Unread postby Kalah » 27 Sep 2006, 00:55
Anchor: "Hello?" *tap, tap* "Is this thing on?" Ah, there we are. Hm? Sorry, technical, didn't quite catch that... You're saying... we've been sending a live background feed for the past ten minutes... and the studio cams have been running... So they got everything? The clothes change, the nose picking, the rather unhygienic use of... right. Nice. Thanks. Well, folks, today, we bring you a day in the life of the average newbie. To find out how the n00bs are greeted here at the Round Table, we had our reporter-in-the-field dress up as one and go on a fact-finding mission."
Reporter: "Hello, I'd like a seat at the Table, please."
Admin: "Sure, sign up here. Will that be newbie or non-newbie, sir?"
Reporter: "Beg your pardon?"
Admin: "Well, if you declare upon entry that you're a newbie, the other members might behave a bit... condescending – as if caring for a child, you know – but you'll get responses to any questions you might have practically before you've had a chance to ask them. People will explain things to you like you're a six-year-old, which is effective, but not very respectful, if I may say so. Whereas if you behave like a veteran, help is not as forthcoming, but members treat you with a greater degree of respect so long as you don't blow your cover by asking something silly like who Archibald is."
Reporter: "What would happen if I did?"
Admin: "Oh, you'd be designated Laughing Stock of the Week."
Reporter: "I see. Then I think I would like to try the newbie table."
Admin: "Sure thing. Just a couple of questions – just for security reasons, you understand..."
Reporter: "Sure."
Admin: "Right. You're not a spam bot, are you?"
Reporter: "No?"
Admin: "Good, that should do it. Welcome to the Round Table!"
Reporter: "Ah, thanks. Um, excuse me?"
Admin: "Yes?"
Reporter: "Is there anything... in particular I should know about this place before venturing inside?"
Admin: "Well, the basic outline of the forum is that we have divided it into general game-related discussions, off-topic discussion and the mods/maps section – for those who like to make stuff to improve the games, you see."
Reporter: "So what happens if I post something in the wrong place?"
Admin: "Please don't. We have a few guys who will get very silly with you if you do. Just read the sticky rules threads on top in each forum; most things are explained there. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some holes to dig."
Reporter: "Thank you. Right, so now we are entering the Great Hall. Or the Hall of Greatness as it is some times called, allegedly because the world record for beating people over the head with rubber baseball bats was set here two years ago."
DaemianLucifer: "Ohoy there, newbie!"
Reporter: "Ah, hello. Um... how did you know I was a..."
Ethric: "A n00b? It's written all over your profile. Zero posts 'n all that. What can we help you with? Got a question?"
Members: "A question!? Hey guys! Over here, quick, somebody's got a question!"
Reporter: "Um... well, yes, now that you mention it – I was just wondering..."
Kalah: "Cause it's written in the staaaar liiiight, and every line on your paaaalm!"
Ethric: "Never you mind him, he's just had one whisky too many."
Reporter: "Well, let's see, a question. Yes, I know: what's the best strategy when playing Academy in the new game?"
*Crowd buzzing*
Gaidal Cain: "One at a time, please!"
Reporter: "That's all right, I've got a note pad... you say see the walkthroughs, you say it depends on whom you're up against..."
Crowd: "More questions! More questions!"
Reporter: "Gee, you're really eager to help, aren't you? Um, excuse me, I can't really breathe if you squeeze me up against the wall like that."
Mod: "All right, folks, let's give 'im some room here, c'mon."
Reporter: "Uuuuh, what on Earth was that?"
Gaidal Cain: "Oh, just somebody going into mod mode."
Ethric: "Heh, try to say that ten times really fast."
Kalah: "Mod mode mod mode mod mode mod mode mod mode mod mode..."
Gaidal Cain: "Thank you, Kalah! That will do. Now all of you, go over there and continue doing... whatever it is you were doing..."
Kalah: "Oh, we were just..."
Gaidal Cain: "Jeezus! Don't tell me, man, I don't wanna know it!"
Reporter: "Right, I'll just proceed over here, shall I..."
Angelspit: "Ah, hey there, newbie. Getting to know the place?"
Reporter: "Yes, the... locals have been very forthcoming."
Angelspit: "Told ya."
Reporter: "Um... I was wondering..."
Angelspit: "Yes?"
Reporter: "Now that I've seen the newbie's point of view, is there any chance I could go back and..."
Angelspit: "No problem, I'll tell Robenhagen to make you a new profile. He's that tall dude over there, feeding the ravens."
*five minutes later*
Robenhagen: "There, you're done. You are now considered somewhat of an expert, so make sure you behave like you know what you're talking about."
Reporter: "Right, thank you."
Robenhagen: "And, hey! Don't... whatever you do... aw, crap, missed him. Oh, well – I'm sure he can't be dumb enough to..."
Reporter: "Hey there, guys, what's goin' on?"
Fnord: "Oh, we were just discussing some implementations of new features for WoG 3.59. What do you think?"
Reporter: "Well, not knowing which features you are discussing I can't really say..."
Pol: "Oh, it's just the new ones, the ones implemented after the last release."
Reporter: "Ah! Yes, of course. Very nice, I must say. I particularly liked the... oh, crap, I'm late, must dash – ta!"
Fnord: "Strange fella."
Reporter: "Hello, guys, what's new?"
ThunderTitan: "We were just explaining to this newbie here how to use the new editor."
Reporter: "Ah, yes... Well, carry on, don't let me bother you..."
Grumpy old Wizard: "Actually, maybe you might be able to help us – we were curious about this problem, see, about giving a neutral town extra creatures at the beginning of each week so long as it remains neutral..."
Reporter: "Y...e...e...e...s...?"
Newbie: "Yes, how do I do that?"
Reporter: "Weeeell... it's quite a complex procedure..."
Newbie: "Can you dumb it down for me?"
Reporter: "Well, I suppose... ehrm... no, not really, no..."
Robenhagen: "Oh, so he was dumb enough to enter the WoG forum and the Mapmaking guild on his first day... I suppose I'd better go and rescue him?"
Angelspit: "I suppose."
Robenhagen: "... ..."
Angelspit: "... ..."
Robenhagen: "Another beer?"
Angelspit: "Yup."
Robenhagen: "What will they do to him, you think?"
Angelspit: "Well, last week it was the stocks, so I'm guessing we'll have a new piñata in a minute or two."
Robenhagen: "Suppose I'd better go and rescue him, then."
Angelspit: "I suppose."
Robenhagen: "... ..."
Angelspit: "... ..."
Robenhagen: "Another beer?"
Angelspit: "Yup."
*and thus the days go by...*
In War: Resolution, In Defeat: Defiance, In Victory: Magnanimity, In Peace: Goodwill.