The Joke Thread

[Lady Farquad]

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

All of them are great, but this one...

[DaemianLucifer]

These are actual clippings from church newspapers. It's amazing what a
little proofreading would prevent:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary
Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way
from Africa!

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference
includes meals."

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy
*sinning* to join the choir.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7pm there will
be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and
come prepared to sin.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this
*tragedy*.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance!

[asandir]

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance!

very good, just gotta have proofreaders!!

[DaemianLucifer]

A priest goes into a barbershop,gets a haircut,thanks the barber,and asks how much he owes him.The barber says:"Father,youre a holy man,a man of the cloth,I couldnt charge you,its on the house."The priest says:"Thank you very much",and leaves.

The next day,magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.

A few days later,a buddhist monk goes in for a shave and a shine,and when the time comes to pay the barber says:"No money,please,youre a spiritual leader,a man of the people,its on the house."The monk says:"Thank you very much",and leaves.

The next day,magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies.

The following week a rabbi comes in,gets a haircut,goes to pay and the barber says:"No,Rabbi,you are a learned man,a wise man,I cant take any money from you,go in peace."The rabbi says:"Thank you very much",and leaves.


So the next day,magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.

[asandir]

ahhh ... picked the puchline for that once i read, "The following week a rabbi comes in ...."

[DaemianLucifer]

A blond asks her friend:
- What day will be the new years eve?
- It will be on friday.
- I just hope it wont fall on the 13th.

[asandir]

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.".

[asandir]

and just got this one in the mail

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[DaemianLucifer]

History can be so much fun when observed trough the eyes of internet players

If World War Two had been an online Real Ttime Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this.

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

[Kalah]

[berntie]

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary
Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way
from Africa!

Now, let me be a little anal on that one:

I say it doesn't work when written. Why? Because of the capitalized B.

And DL let me tell you, that you would have probably been heavily accused of being anti-semitic in some countries (like Germany, for instance) for the joke on the rabbis.

[DaemianLucifer]

And DL let me tell you, that you would have probably been heavily accused of being anti-semitic in some countries (like Germany, for instance) for the joke on the rabbis.

I dont care.Its always those that are the loudest about racism that are actually racist themselves.I can tell serbian jokes here if you wish,but only a handfull people would understand them.I consider humor to be above racism,sexism and every other ism.Humor is just humor.

[asandir]

dead right DL .... people need to have a laugh at themselves more often and there would probably be a lot less hate in the world, this applies to religion, race, sex, age, profession and just about anything else as well

[asandir]

sorry about the double post .... so will add a joke to make up for it

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."

[asandir]

A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself
to write the word "toilet" in her letter.

After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.

"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.

Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.

I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember this is a very friendly community

[Mytical]

yep all of these are great, some are fantastic even. Sadly most of the ones I know are old, and mostly a little questionable to place here. The only ones that arn't are better verbal then written.

Next time you want to confuse a friend try this one.

A CanAm plane is flying from USA to Canada (put in your favorite/least favorite place of each doesn't matter, not important). Half of it's passengers are Canadian and half are American. It carries about 30000 lbs of fuel and is flying at about 150 miles an hour. The plane crashed on the border of Canada and America, killing several of the passengers. Where do you bury the survivors?

[DaemianLucifer]

Yes,I know loads of those.For example:

You go into a dark room that has a candle,a torch,and the fireplace in it,and you have only one match in a matchbox.What thing are you going to light first?

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Some guy calls two of his friends to come and have a party:
- Hey guys,wanna come to my place tonight?I have an excelent grass you just have to try!And later,we can play some cards.
- Sorry man.Dave and I decided to quit smoking from today.
- Thats cool.Hey,why dont all three of us quit smoking today?You can come and we can play cards,watch TV,etc.
- Sure,well be there around 8.

So the guy cleans hes flat a bit,and proceeds to throw the weed.But it is so tempting.Yet he did promise his friends.He decides to smoke one joint,and throw the rest.Its not like theyll notice.So he smokes a fat one,and writes on a piece of paper what to say so his friends dont notice that hes stoned.

Somewhere around 8,he hears the doorbell.He comes to the door and reads from the paper:
- WHO IIS IIT QUESTION MARK
And from the other side he hears:
- IIT IIS UUS COMMA YOUR FRIIENDS

[asandir]

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[berntie]

Joke of the day

(I'm not sure about my favorite ... maybe "Melodic Deathcore".)

[Gaidal Cain]

I had to check that it wasn't Uncyclopedia...