Round Table Weekly

[Kareeah Indaga]

Question: does it reset every day? *curious*

[Ethric]

Yep

[ThunderTitan]

Question: does it reset every day? *curious*

Right now it just looks like they're not letting us get past Leprechaun.

[Kalah]

Studio Commentary: "This week we have drafted in a real treat. This Monday, Round Table Weekly are proud to present the Great Summoner of the Elven Realm, the protector of Xanth and liberator of chocolate cookies everywhere – here he is, the one you've all been waiting for; the one, the only – Kalah... Hey, that's me – what's going on!?".

Anchor: "Your Greatness. Welcome."
Kalah: "Woof."
Anchor: "Um... beg your pardon?"
Kalah: "I was just admiring the poster on your wall."
Anchor: "Oh, yes well... erhm, I got that from one of the previous guests hrm..."
Kalah: "Right, let's talk shop."
Anchor: "M'kay, first let me say what an honour it is to have you here, Sir – er... I'm actually not quite sure what to refer to you as... you have so many titles. You're a moderator, a member of the CH Staff, a Summoner – the only thing I've been instructed not to refer to you as is you is the em... Game... erhm... er... national sosialist."
Kalah: "You were told not to call me a Game Nazi?"
Anchor: "Er... yes!"
Kalah: "Well, that's just silly. If people know me as a Game Nazi, you should call me a Game Nazi, right?"
Anchor: "Right! The secretary and the technicians told me that I should definitely not call you that, though, and that if I did, you would scream, whack the microphone with your cricket bat and pull a bag over your head."
Kalah: "What a silly notion."
Anchor: "That's what I said."
Kalah: "You're right."
Anchor: "So, that's what I'll call you then."
Kalah: "Go ahead."
Anchor: "OK... Mr. Game Nazi..."
Kalah: "AAAAAH! Kreegaah!!" *whack! whack! whack!*
Technician: "What happened...? The feed just... oh! Christ, you called him a Game Nazi, didn't you? Didn't I tell you not to do that? Look, now he's got a bag over his head, and we'll have to step into a crate and sing the I'm-so-sorry song."
Anchor: "I'm sorry, but he told me it was..."
Other technician: "Hey, socketboy, I've got those figures you... all right, who called the Summoner a Game Nazi?"
Technician: "He did."
Other technician: "Right. Make some room."
Anchor: "What is..."
Technician: "Take your right shoe off and stick your left foot in this box."
Anchor: "What is all this..."
Technicians: "Dum-dum-dum, I'm sorry – I'm so very very soooorry! Sorry that he called you that! Now take off that paper haaat! Dum-dum. Tada, dubidu."
Anchor: "Ah, there you are. Let's proceed with our questions."
Kalah: "You were asking me something?"
Anchor: "Yes... let's skip that for now, shall we? Instead, I have an idea. We've heard so much about your various activities on the forum. Why don't you show us what a typical day of yours is like?"
Kalah: "Yes, that's a good idea. I saw a computer over there in the hall, does that have internet hookup?"
Anchor: "I'm sure it does. Let's go see."
Kalah: "Um... Yes, it does... hey! It's even got other browsers than Explorer. Cool."
Anchor: "So, what do you do, where do you start?"
Kalah: "Well, I'm logged on, but I need my gear to enter the forum."
Anchor: "The 'gear'? What's that?"
Kalah: "Hand me my bag. That's the one, yes. You can take this checklist and check the inventory as I suit up."
Anchor: "...suit...eh?"
Kalah: "Boots!"
Anchor: "Em, er... check?"
Kalah: "Calf-skin gloves!"
Anchor: "Check."
Kalah: "Comfy chair!"
Anchor: "How'd you get that into this little... ah never mind.. check."
Kalah: "Tea!"
Anchor: "Thermo-cup, with a shock proof lid – niiice. Check."
Kalah: "Shades!"
Anchor: "Check – oh, those are cool..."
Kalah: "Music!"
Anchor: "Eh? What kind?"
Kalah: "Just hit play on that mp3 player. It's preset to my forumsurfing song: Another one bites the dust."
Anchor: "So what happens when the song ends?"
Kalah: "I stop and go to the main site for a spell. So it's only three minutes and thirty-six seconds each time. The song is that long, so..."
Anchor: "And you get everything done in that time?"
Kalah: "Well, I have to let the other posters get something in before I can do some more, so pauses at regular intervals are nice."
Anchor: "Everything set now? Here, I'll just press... play."
Kalah: "All right... Let's surf."

*meanwhile, somewhere else...*

Technician: "Sir, something's up with the weirdometer."
Gaidal Cain: "It's up? What's the value?"
Technician: "It's... Jesus, it's... off the scale, Sir."
Gaidal Cain: "What? Lemme see that. Hm. Wow, that's... really high. What's causing it?"
Technician: "We're on it, Sir."
Gaidal Cain: "Check the online section."
Technician: "Here we go, Sir... it's... a couple of newbies, DaemianLucifer, ThunderTitan, MrSteamTank, Kalah, Pitsu..."
Gaidal Cain: "Hang on, you said Kalah's online?"
Technician: "Umm... yes, that's confirmed, Sir – he's currently browsing the Campfire."
Gaidal Cain: "That's our baby. What's he doing?"
Technician: "Can't tell, Sir, but..."
Gaidal Cain: "But what?"
Technician: "There's something strange here. Last time I checked, this thread was two hundred pages long, now there are three pages less. And here's a quote referring to a post I can't seem to find..."
Gaidal Cain: "Well, well, it seems our old friend has brought out his gloves again, doesn't it..."
Technician: "What do we do, Sir?"
Gaidal Cain: "To the ModMobile!"

Studio Commentary: "The ModMobile is a modified Aston Martin DB9 Volante complete with radar, twin turbos, rocket sled capability and a total of six cupholders. If you would like to post an order for a scale model of the ModMobile, please give our operators a call at 1-800-MODZRULE. Now, back to the action."

Gaidal Cain: "All right, men. You know who we're up against. This is no drill. And even though he's been getting slower lately, last year's Christmas party showed he's still got a mean right hook. Number one, you go for his bat; it'll be located on his left hand side. Number two, you hit him with the tranquillizer. Number three, cut the lights while I try to head him off. Everybody set? All right, let's go. Remember after the music starts we have 3 minutes and 36 seconds to get to the terminal."

*in the hallway*

Kalah: "Here's a spam thread, close that... and a spambot has posted something... rather rude – delete that, ban the bot, let's see... delete, delete, delete, close, delete, close, ban... *clicketyclicketyclickety*
Anchor: "Boy, that's fast."
Kalah: "And another one bites the duuuust! Duh-duh-duh."
Anchor: "...do you smell something burning...?"
Kalah: "Delete, delete, close, haahahahaaa...! Who's ya daddy!?" *clicketyclicketyclicketyclicketyclickety*
Gaidal Cain: "Go!"
*light's out, assault team storms into the hallway*
Kalah: "Ah! If it isn't my old archnemesis, Gaidal. Welcome to the show, monkey boy."
Gaidal Cain: "You know you're not supposed to venture in on the board on your own, K. Give it up! Put the bat down, step away from the computer and... damn, take those gloves off, you look like one of the village people."
Anchor: "Ouch."
Kalah: "That really hurt, man."
Gaidal Cain: "It's over, K. Put it down."
Kalah: "You should have told your number one to be faster, GC." *cracking knuckles* "Come on, bring it! You know you hit like a girl!"
Gaidal Cain: "Yeah? Well, you pee like one."
Kalah: "That was a temporary medical condition!"
Gaidal Cain: "Number two. Hand me 'Wonderboy'."
Number two: "Oh no, Sir – not 'Wonderboy'! Anything but 'Wonderboy'!"
Anchor: "What's 'Wonderboy'?"
Kalah: "GC's stick."
Gaidal Cain: "It's not a stick! It's a hand-carved mahogany battle cane from the upper Mongolia, handed to me by an eighty year old master sensei of the Shaolin monks as a sign of greatness and true enlightenment!"
Kalah: "... it's a stick."
Gaidal Cain: "All right, monkey boy, that does it – you're going' down!"
Kalah: "Bring it on, Swede."

Studio Commentary: "We interrupt this broadcast here to ask: Exciting, isn't it? Mod versus mod. 'The Widowmaker' versus 'Wonderboy'. Who will win this fierce battle of wills? ... well, to avoid hurting the feelings of some of our more delicate viewers, we will recapitulate and tell you what happens next instead of showing it. The Swedish moderator confronted his colleague with his excessive activity on the forum, and a terrible battle of words ensued. Just as it seemed it would come to blows between them, however, a Danish moderator stepped in and suggested that instead of whacking each other, the Scandinavians should join together in rubbishing the French. They all thought this was a good idea, and sat down around the computer to have a go at the Heroes 5 producers."

Kalah: "I'm just going by the forum for a bit, just to check..."
Gaidal Cain: "..."
Kalah: "Why are you looking at your watch?"
Gaidal Cain: "Oh, I'm waiting for the tranquillizer to kick in. Didn't you notice that dart in your butt? And a certain dizziness creeping up your spine?"
Kalah: "Woah... I thought that was the tea."
Gaidal Cain: "Nope."
Robenhagen: "The plan worked. I knew he couldn't resist sitting back down by the screen, so I hid the dart in the comfy chair."
Gaidal Cain: "OK, he's going under. Grab the rope and take him to the ModMobile."
Kalah: "Nooo! The forum needs meeee..." *makes a run for it*
Robenhagen: "He's getting away! Get him!"
Gaidal Cain: "Get 'iiim!"

*everybody runs off*

Anchor: "Uh... Could someone get those lights back on?"

Studio Commentary: "Phew! I don't know about you, but I could use a drink, folks. See you next week. Hopefully... moahahahahaaaa..."

*Deacon's bass starts to play...*

[theLuckyDragon]

Best one EVER!!!

[DaemianLucifer]

Well someone sure got inspired.

I just wonder whose muse you stole for this one.

[Vlad976]

Just got a note from a messenger. It reads:

This weeks RTW, too silly.

The Colonel

[Gaidal Cain]

Atomic Batteries to power! Turbines to speed! (Hmm. We seem to be lacking a fitting smiley. Ah well, there's one that's close enough)

[Milla aka. the Slayer]

Oh WOW this is phenomenal I'm so impressed with the writer's imagination It must be a product of watching too many action movies

[ThunderTitan]

You know, i just realised that the reason why me and DL got the Leprechaun is because Kalah was been slacking in his deleting activities lately....

Now i know who to blame...

[Orfinn]

Hahahaha Thats the best interview EVER!
Keep it up

[Pol]

Isn't that longest interview because is about Kalah?

Just asking.

[asandir]

very nicely done, especially welcome after last episode

[Thelonious]

The best one ever.

[Angelspit]

It would deserve a motion picture!

[DaemianLucifer]

It would deserve a motion picture!

Or a comic.Is anybody willing to do it?

[theLuckyDragon]

I think it's best left in written form, with each of us using their own imagination to 'view' it.

Though, I must admit, the RTW articles and Gothrak's articles do deserve motion pictures!

[Orfinn]

I think it's best left in written form, with each of us using their own imagination to 'view' it.

Though, I must admit, the RTW articles and Gothrak's articles do deserve motion pictures!

Yeah they do, would like to see that crazy episode when Crag & Co hunts that hydra saying "mooo" in the swamp Or the crazy playground experiment

[Kalah]

Studio Commentary: "This last edition before the summer holiday will feature another creature from the newest instalment in the Heroes of Might and Magic series; the creature that puts the word 'wide' back into fashion: The Archlich."
Archlich: "Hello."
Anchor: "So, you're a large creature, are you?"
Archlich: "That's right."
Anchor: "You're sure about that? You're not just a dead guy in an over-dimensioned prom dress?"
Archlich: "No. Let me tell you what I have under this dress..."
Anchor: "A crinoline?"
Archlich: "No, something useful. It's a Death Cloud Generator ®. It's what makes my ranged attacks so powerful. Because of the Death Cloud, my attack has an area effect and I can attack several creatures at once."
Anchor: "But this only works for ranged attacks?
Archlich: "Of course."
Anchor: "Why? The cloud itself doesn't affect undead, does it?"
Archlich: "The point is that my ranged attack is implemented by use of my staff, whereas my melee attack is physical."
Anchor: "So let's say you're surrounded by enemies; why not use the staff?"
Archlich: "No, I prefer to attack just one creature. Otherwise I would have a multiple retaliation ability, like the Hydra does. And, man, I just don't want to be associated with that thing. Have you seen the way those heads go everywhere? I mean, one creature attacks it from the front and it looks like it's trying to retaliate backwards – and in all other directions, for that matter."
Anchor: "So, you're a walking, ranged attacking guy with a big dress – like the other creatures that visited us I'll ask you about upgrades; what makes you worth those extra coins?"
Archlich: "Well, I've got a white dress, for one. And a cooler helm."
Anchor: "Some would say the Lich's helm is better looking?"
Archlich: "Yes, but they'd be quickly silenced."
Anchor: "Right. Unlike the other guest though, there aren't that many differences between you and your base creature; I've checked – no polo clubs, no casinos, no free porn site subscriptions..."
Archlich: "We're still working on that."
Anchor: "The producers will let you?"
Archlich: "Heh..."
Anchor: "Right... But there's another difference; you cast spells. Is that a lot of fun?"
Archlich: "Oh, yeah. Imagine a devil approaching me, and just as it's about to get a turn, I cast 'slow', and its slot hurls to the right like George W. Bush after an election. Gotta love that initiative stuff."
Anchor: "Yeah... I guess that's a love/hate thing.. either you do or you don't. Now, let's return to the holiday – this makes for a rather short interview, I see you have your bags packed and I'm off in just a minute also; where goes the trip this year?"
Archlich: "Well, I've decided on a trip into the Sylvan lands – lots of nice little pixies to... erhm, play with. And then on to the desert – for the undead that's a bit like being on a beach."
Anchor: "I'm going down south, myself. Not too far south, mind you. Trying to avoid those pesky blood furies. Though that Dungeon town five miles from my cabin does have a Palace of Shadows dwelling... hmm, maybe a small detour wouldn't be so bad."
Archlich: "Ech, damned shooters. We should be the only shooters in the game, that way it would be perfectly fair."
Anchor: "Fair? Your heroes gather up Skeletons by the dozen whenever fighting against a living thing, can cast the "raise dead" spell and keep the creatures after battle and... and you call getting rid of the only things that are likely to tip the balance in favour of someone else fair?
Archlich: "Yeah. Think of all the poor neutrals out there. Lone archliches, not supported by any heroes or artefacts whatsoever. We should be given a chance, don't you think? When a hero comes along and has his shooters kill us off before we can even lift our fingerbones..."
Anchor: "Ignoring the fact that this is part of the point, doing what you propose is just out of the question. Every faction must have a ranged creature, otherwise the fan sites out there will go amok."
Archlich: "Oh, yeah – forgot about the fans... howdy, everybody! Didn't really mean that part about the... you know. Just humour. Don't send emails with Anthrax powder."
Anchor: "Yeah, that doesn't work on undead. What you have to do is send some pictures of the Heroes producer nude..."
Archlich: "AAAAH! Not that! Please, don't tell them about the other..."
Anchor: "... way of putting you off base? You mean singing Händel's 'Messiah' at an alarmingly loud volume whilst dancing the Macarena?"
Archlich: "OK, I'm going on my holiday now. I gotta wear shaaaades..."
Anchor: "So am I. Bye, everyone."
Studio Commentary: "That's all, folks! Maybe we'll have some more in a couple of months."

[asandir]

nice, but don't diss the white dress, it's so becoming on the archlich!!