The Joke Thread

[T]osHiro · Unread postby **[T]osHiro** » 07 Jun 2006, 13:48

A tourist is interested in touring a place X, which gives him the opportunity to witness the 'Midnight Sun'. He however came up after the trip and sue the tour agency. When he is questioned why did he file a lawsuit against the tour company, he replied: "They put up the ad saying I'll be able to see the Midnight Sun. But it was daylight 24 hours and no nighttime."

Fenris · Unread postby **Fenris** » 07 Jun 2006, 15:50

a55a55in wrote: Here's a song that will probably keep you laughing, contributed by Fenris.

Note: Try to sing with it..

Ah, good ol' Llamasong... I had almost forgot about it. Here's another that I will never ever get tired of: http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/285267

Entreri · Unread postby **Entreri** » 07 Jun 2006, 17:04

Somany good jokes and songs!!!!!

And that with "Hunk if u love Jessus" was the BOMB!!!!

so just to stay in track hers another one:
Ther were some guys in the swiming pool and a gay comes along and asks:
-Whats the water like?
-Cold as pen*s
-Hold on guys im jumping on my ass!!!

sry fot the bad word

jeff · Unread postby **jeff** » 07 Jun 2006, 17:24

A state trooper comes up to a man who reported his wife missing, and says I have some bad new, some good news and some great news, which do you want to hear first?

The man replies, “Let’s get it over with what’s the bad news?”

“I am sorry to report your wife drove off a bridge and drowned.”

Shocked the man asks, “So what’s the good news?”

“Oh, she had several large crabs and lobster attached to her when we pulled her up.”

Horrified the man asked, “Then what’s the great news.”

“Oh, we expect to do much better when we pull her up tonight.”

Caradoc · Unread postby **Caradoc** » 07 Jun 2006, 17:44

George Bush is visiting the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime
Minister in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty...."

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"

"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.

...

Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he meets Colin Powell and asks "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell answers, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

...

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle."

"So who is it," asks Bush.

Cheyney answers, "It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney, and angrily yells, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

Milla aka. the Slayer · Unread postby **Milla aka. the Slayer** » 07 Jun 2006, 17:49

This is great. Keep 'em coming you guys

jeff · Unread postby **jeff** » 07 Jun 2006, 17:51

Great one Caradoc.

DaemianLucifer · Unread postby **DaemianLucifer** » 07 Jun 2006, 18:26

@Caradoc

Oh,I remember that one dating back to 60s or so in my country,although you could go to prison for telling it in public.But it still is funny.

Ok,heres some necropolis humor:

Q: Whats worse than 10 babies in a dumpster?
A: One baby in 10 dumpsters.

Q: And whats worse than that?
A: 10 dumpsters in a baby.

Enjoy(or barf,either way is fine with me

)

Milla aka. the Slayer · Unread postby **Milla aka. the Slayer** » 07 Jun 2006, 18:36

Eeeewww....Watch out for Pernille again: she loves babies

DaemianLucifer · Unread postby **DaemianLucifer** » 07 Jun 2006, 18:45

Milla aka. the Slayer wrote:Eeeewww....Watch out for Pernille again: she loves babies

So do I.Especially with potatoes

Ok,the next one is among the most horrid joke Ive ever heard,so stop reading if you have a weak stomach.

An armles child walks to his mother and says:"Mommy,can I have some cookies?"
"Sure honey.They are on that shelf over there".
"But I cant reach them,I have no arms!"
"No arms - no cookies"

Pallas Athene · Unread postby **Pallas Athene** » 07 Jun 2006, 18:46

sorry too late, I have seen the jokes.. just so you know I actually find them quite amusing, even though I am blond.

Vlad976 · Unread postby **Vlad976** » 07 Jun 2006, 18:51

So you won't mind if I go through the list?

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

Pallas Athene · Unread postby **Pallas Athene** » 07 Jun 2006, 18:56

that one i have not heard before... more of those please

DaemianLucifer · Unread postby **DaemianLucifer** » 07 Jun 2006, 18:56

Heres a perfect story(a bit shortened):

A perfect man and perfect woman were driving their perfect car one winters night.Suddenly,they saw someone hitchhiking and,because they were perfect,they picked him up.It turned out it was Santa Claus,and his sleigh got stranded,so he needed a ride.During their drive,they crashed,and only one of them survived?Who was it?

It was the perfect woman,since both other characters dont exist in reality.

Although,the fact that only the perfect woman is real in this story means that she was driving the car,and thats the reason why there was a crash in the first place.

serguma · Unread postby **serguma** » 07 Jun 2006, 19:43

Bufff, spanish jokes are difficult to translate into something funny (for me at least, I know that many people would do it very well XD).
Perhaps later I'll try >.<

Entreri · Unread postby **Entreri** » 07 Jun 2006, 21:09

Cool so many jokes and ther all awsome!!!! (DL i like the one"no arms-no cookies"

)

Now some jokes on men account:

What do u say when u hear that they removed 99% of the brain to a man?

Castrated

ThunderTitan · Unread postby **ThunderTitan** » 07 Jun 2006, 21:37

@DL:

You think that's disturbing.... obviously you haven't heard the rest from that colection.... saraca Alinutza.

Late at night:
- Mom, how far until we get to grampa!
- Soon™, hun, soon™.
10 minutes pass:
- Mom, how far until we get to grampa!
- Any minute now dear!
10 more minutes pass:
- Mom..., how much furter!
- Oh, shut up and keep digging!

[T]osHiro · Unread postby **[T]osHiro** » 08 Jun 2006, 01:51

George W. Bush made a visit to a school. He greets the children in the classroom and ask them what is the meaning of Tragedy. A girl stood up and said:"A school bus full of kids rammed into a building and everyone died." Bush replied:"No, little girl. That would be an accident." Another boy stood up and said:"When US troops were killed in a battle, that is a Tragedy." Bush says:"No. That would be a Great Loss."

Finally, a boy stood up and said:"When a private jetplane carrying Bush was striked by a missile and blast into tiny pieces, that is tragedy." Bush replied:"Yes, that's it. Can you explain why?" The boy just said:"Well, it isn't an Accident, and it's certainly not a Great Loss too."

asandir · Unread postby **asandir** » 08 Jun 2006, 02:41

not really a joke per se, but i like it anyway

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at mabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

ahhh where's the GP???

DaemianLucifer · Unread postby **DaemianLucifer** » 08 Jun 2006, 05:47

ThunderTitan wrote: Late at night:
- Mom, how far until we get to grampa!
- Soon™, hun, soon™.
10 minutes pass:
- Mom, how far until we get to grampa!
- Any minute now dear!
10 more minutes pass:
- Mom..., how much furter!
- Oh, shut up and keep digging!

Ok,I have loads of simmilar ones(although most arent translatable,and some need to be shown):

- Son,dont you like your father?
- But I do,mom.
- Then why dont you want another piece?

- Mom,Im back!Whats that awful smell?Mom?!Mother?!!Oh moooom?!!!!

Q: Whats that small,red and goes up and down?
A: A baby in an elevator,sucking on an erasor

Q: Whats that small,red and scratching on the glass?
A: A baby in an oven.

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