The Joke Thread

[ThunderTitan]

Definite proof that you can't use ANYTHING as single source for your info

[Arvon]

WHY MEN SHOULDN'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS...


Dear Walter,
>
> I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work
leaving
> my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven
more
> than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car
> shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
> When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom
with
> the neighbors 'daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors'
> daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.
>
> When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been
> having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd
> leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he
> has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him
very
> much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become
> increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I
can't
> get through to him anymore.
>
> Can you please help?
>
> Sincerely,
> Hazel
>
> ************************************************** ****************
>
> Dear Hazel:
>
> A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
> variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
> debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and
> hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If
> none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel
> pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
>
> I hope this helps,
>
> WALTER

[Kalah]

Some cheap humour at the expense of the ladies here..

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when the woman brings it.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's a product of Evolution enabling them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know that a woman is about to say something intelligent?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you mend a woman's watch?
You don't; there's a clock on the stove.

Why do men fart more often than women?
Because women don't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.

When the dog's at the back door, barking, and the wife's at the front door, shouting, who do you let in first?
The dog, naturally. It shuts up as soon as you let it in.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman who doesn't do what she's told.

Scientists have discovered a food that reduces a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called wedding cake.

In the beginning, God created the world, and then he rested.
Then God created man, and rested.
Then God created woman...
and since then, neither God, nor Man, has rested.

[Kalah]

"I asked a woman once, if she had ever eaten pheasant. She had the strangest reply: "Um... not really." What does that mean? Did she eat it, did she not eat it? Did she suck it and throw it away?"

[Kalah]

Kara Thrace:
"Every flying unit has four basic controls; power, pitch, yaw and roll. Where are yours?"
*yanks something, guns start firing, ship shakes*
"Safety tip no. 1, don't touch that."

[Sure Valla]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when the woman brings it.

GENIUS

[Caradoc]

Actually, it has been proven that 1 = 1/2:

We can re-write the infinite series 1/(1*3) + 1/(3*5) + 1/(5*7) + 1/(7*9) +...
as 1/2((1/1 - 1/3) + (1/3 - 1/5) + (1/5 - 1/7) + (1/7 - 1/9) + ... ).

All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1/2.

We can also re-write the series as (1/1 - 2/3) + (2/3 - 3/5) + (3/5 - 4/7) + (4/7 - 5/9) + ...

All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1.

Thus 1/2 = 1.

[Avonu]

- What is name of Hercules wife?
- Fraucules

If you don't get it, it is time to learn some German.

[Milla aka. the Slayer]

Haha, that's a good one!!

[ThunderTitan]

As long as you ignore the fact that Hercules was a greek and not a kraut...

[Kalah]

Hercules wasn't his Greek name.

[Milla aka. the Slayer]

Don't start that again!

[ThunderTitan]

Hercules wasn't his Greek name.

And yet they never claimed he was a roman (plus, screw Hera... well someone has too with Zeus being too busy with mortal skirts)

[Kalah]

How to shoot your foot with programming languages:

Ada: You aim at your foot and pull the trigger, but the safety stops the gun from firing. The safety won't budge until you tag your foot with a sign reading "Bullet Hole in this foot", and call the paramedics. Do so, then shoot yourself in the foot.

C: The gun arrives in 38 pieces along with a set of assembly instructions. After painstakingly assembling the pieces, you pull the trigger and the gun promptly backfires and blows your head off.

Assembly: The same as C, except you have to hand-machine all the pieces as well. When you pull the trigger, your whole house explodes.

Java: You break into someone else's home and steal their water pistol. You then make a child gun that uses .38 rounds instead of water. When you pull the trigger on the child gun, nothing happens to you, but everyone who visits your house gets shot in the foot.

Basic: You aim the gun at a straight horizontal and pull the trigger, which causes a stream of water to be squirted straight down onto your foot.

Perl: You aim the gun at your foot and pull the trigger. There is no explosion, but gravity causes the bullet to slide out of the barrel and bounce off your foot.

Lisp: You do a small part of the remaining work involved in shooting yourself in the foot. You then call yourself, and tell yourself to shoot yourself in the foot.

Pascal: The same as Ada, except when you pull the trigger a little sign pops out reading "BANG!".

C++: The same as Java, except you try to build the parent water pistol using the gun tools from the C gun. When you pull the trigger on the child gun, the parent C gun explodes, spraying water everywhere, including the chamber of the child gun. This causes the child gun to backfire, blowing your head off.

Visual C++: The same as C++, except that the bullets, the gun parts, the tools you use to put it together, the hospital you get taken to afterwards, and the ambulance that takes you there are all owned by the same company.

APL: Whenever you pull the trigger, no matter where you aim the gun, the bullet ricochets off 13 objects and lodges in your foot. The gun has been examined by ballistics experts, mechanical engineers, and even the person who made it, and none of them can figure out how it works.

FORTRAN: When you aim the gun at your foot and pull the trigger, a table indexing error causes the gun to shoot its firing pin into your foot instead of the bullet.

[Kalah]

Just heard a great joke, although it is a bit on the... *ahem* inappropriate... type.

A penguin was driving along in his car when it suddenly gave a squeal and ground to a halt. Not knowing anything about engines, he was pleased to see a polar bear stopping to help. The bear quickly said:
"Looks like you've just blown a seal."
The penguin quickly wiped his beak with his flippers and said, nervously:
"No, no, it's just ice cream..!"

[parcaleste]

I am not sure if someone has posted these here before, so:

[Sure Valla]

AWESOME!



I like them both!

[Pol]

> http://asset.soup.io/asset/0632/1477_0252_480.jpeg
Denmark again

[Milla aka. the Slayer]

Definitely one of my fav's Because it's true....oh the horror..

[Pol]

Like you liked it. And I hope that it's not so bad in real. Especially the ice part...