The Joke Thread

[Lord Lakely]

I meant to ask you, is she a genuine blonde? There are too many fakes around...

Check the Eyebrows and you know

[Milla aka. the Slayer]

She's a genuine blonde yes. All pure scandinavian genes baby

[PhoenixReborn]

Who is Pernille? A blonde?

Pernille? My friend's name is Pernille. She's a blonde. She's the one currently residing in the dream girls thread. Is it her you're referring to?

Oh her. A heroes 4 player. :sniff: I turn up my nose at you lot.

Well this is the joke thread.

[Kalah]

John McCain appeared on Leno's show, and he came up with a good 'un...

Jay Leno: "So, it's been a week since the election, how've you been?"
John McCain: "Well, I've been sleeping like a baby."
Jay Leno: "Yeah...?"
John McCain: "...sleeping for two hours, waking up, crying, sleeping for two hours..."

[Asheera]

LOL

[ThunderTitan]

I meant to ask you, is she a genuine blonde? There are too many fakes around...

Check the Eyebrows and you know

That's the lame way to check (plus, you ruined it, coz now them womyn know... bastich).

[ScarlettP]

If the carpet doesn't match the drapes, it's not a big problem to remove it.

[ThunderTitan]

If the carpet doesn't match the drapes, it's not a big problem to remove it.

Man, your mind is always in the gutter, ain't it...

[Pol]

If the carpet doesn't match the drapes, it's not a big problem to remove it.

Man, your mind is always in the gutter, ain't it...

If the man doesn't match either the carpet or the drapes, check if the problem cannot be solved merely by replacing him.

[Pol]

Click, tap ..whatever.

[Asheera]

LOL

That one with Georgia was posted in the Observatory once

[Pol]

Wasn't been a frequent visitor in that heated corner but wouldn't surprised me a bit. Was that posted by Titan? (99% chance that I'm right)

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

Was tut ein englischer Rentner?
Er steht um 9 Uhr auf, trinkt ein Glas Scotch und geht zum Golfspielen.

Und ein französischer Rentner?
Er steht um 10 Uhr auf, trinkt ein Glas Bordeaux und geht zu seiner Freundin.

Und ein deutscher Rentner?
Er steht um 7 Uhr auf, nimmt seine Herztropfen und geht zur Arbeit!

(TLTT - use google translate, copy it inside )

[Asheera]

Was that posted by Titan? (99% chance that I'm right)

Not sure, but I think it was posted by Vel.

btw, I thought this thread is for text jokes, shouldn't the funny pics be posted in this one?

[Pol]

Hey, you want to be a mod, don't you?

They can be in both. And as long as they are just a jokes, this thread is fine for them..

[Borsuc]

hehe that kitten is cute and confused

haha that's good
and ironically it could be true

[Asheera]

@Pol: haha lol, it wasn't anything like that... I was just asking

because I'm not sure myself

[Asheera]

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"

"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country."

"Well, my men are very brave, too."

"I'd like to see that."

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

====================

An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.

"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"

"Yes," said the Navy brat.

"My dad has built them."

Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"

"Yes."

"It's my dad who's killed it!"

[Asheera]

Ok I have another one

Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

[Kalah]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her:

"Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?", the priest replied.
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer as a Christmas present for my mother. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked:
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked:
"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said:
"Go ahead, Father. Next."

[ThunderTitan]

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'