The Round Table Weekly Collection
Studio Commentary: "Now, I know many of you... that is, at least some of you... all right, all right, it was only one but I thought it was a decent idea... to bring back the member interview. Who's the lucky member? Well, I thought it would be nice to welcome back someone who joined up long ago, left us to rot for a while and came back for a second helping only by written request."
Anchor: "ScarlettP, welcome."
ScarlettP: "Oh my Gawd, wher'd you get that lovely costume?"
Anchor: "Um... well it's not a costume as much as it is my work suit."
ScarlettP: "Well, it's lovely. I make a livin' outta makin' things like that. Who made those tentacles?"
Anchor: "Sorry...? Oh, you mean my tie?"
ScarlettP: "... you're wearin' eight of 'em?"
Anchor: "Couldn't decide."
ScarlettP: "Right."
Anchor: "So... you're a costume designer, and I've seen a couple of them – I say, that Fairy Gothmother one was just excellent."
ScarlettP: "Why, I do declare, I think I'm startin' to blush." *giggle*
Anchor: "So, let's begin, shall we... you were a prominent member of the old board and I believe a close acquaintance of our editor?"
ScarlettP: "Yeh, hated 'im."
Anchor: "...errrrright, well you're not the only one."
ScarlettP: "He was such an ass, just totally went on my nerves."
Anchor: "I know exactly what you mean."
ScarlettP: "And he wrote this absolutely terrible and harassing piece of me and I just loathed 'im for it."
Anchor: "Right! I'm glad somebody finally supports me on this, he's such a terrible guy to work for with his many eccentricities and bad tempers and his total lack of tact – I mean he's just not a very nice guy at all, right?"
ScarlettP: "Sure he is."
Anchor: "And the way he dresses – I mean have you ever seen a more... um, what?"
ScarlettP: "He's a nice guy."
Anchor: "Um... 'keeeey, I was kinda betting on some backing there."
ScarlettP: "Ain't gettin' it. Kalah rocks."
Anchor: "He really doesn't that much."
ScarlettP: "Well, after the initial encounter I found that he was a nice a guy after all."
Anchor: "Right. So I'm facing the guy alone after the broadcast. That bodes well for me. Let's go to something else, like you, Scarlett..."
ScarlettP: "Call me Lety, if ya like."
Anchor: "Right, that wide Southern accent of yours, is it a matter of practice or does it just come naturally to speak like you have a fiddle in your throat?"
ScarlettP: "Yeh, I changed my mind, call me Scarlett."
Anchor: "What I want to know is, how long does it take you to make a costume?"
ScarlettP: "Two hours."
Anchor: "Seriously?"
ScarlettP: "No."
Anchor: "Ah. Well, how much do they cost to make?"
ScarlettP: "A dollar ninety-five."
Anchor: "No, seriously."
ScarlettP: "Two hundred and sixty five thousand."
Anchor: "I guess we'll just say it varies. New topic. When will you finish that campaign of yours?"
ScarlettP: "What campaign?"
Anchor: "Oh, come on."
ScarlettP: "I'm busy with real life stuff at the moment. And have been for some time. Dunno when it'll be finished, if ever."
Anchor: "OK, what's your favourite colour?"
ScarlettP: "Red."
Anchor: "Movie?"
ScarlettP: "Gone with the wind."
Anchor: "Food?"
ScarlettP: "Curried chicken with apples 'n dried cranberries."
Anchor: "Why, you're just a southern stereotype, aren't you?"
ScarlettP: "Nah. I'm just a lady."
Anchor: "You mean, over-sensitive and sobbing all the time?"
ScarlettP: "Boo-hooo... what do you meaaan?" *sob*
Anchor: "Oh, come on now, don't be like that... here, have a piece of cake."
ScarlettP: "Oh, that's so nice of you, I'm so touched I think I'm gonna cry..."
Anchor: "Right... Em, can we get back to your return to the forums... you came back after some pressure from our editor, can I just ask what kind of hold does he have on you that would make you come back to this god-awful place?"
ScarlettP: "He got some pictures from my family's last Christmas party."
Anchor: "...aaaaand that's... bad?"
ScarlettP: "Well, they're pictures like... this one 'ere."
Anchor: "Oh, my God."
ScarlettP: "No, it's just my cousin with..."
Anchor: "Thank you, let's leave that for now, shall we... no fuss... let's go on with the latest news from Chattanooga, the city by the bay, the city that never sleeps, the city that sounds like a freight train coming chattanooga-chattanooga-choo-choo!"
ScarlettP: "Yess."
Anchor: "How do you feel about astronauts wearing diapers?"
ScarlettP: "What's that got to do with... oh, never mind – well, as long as it's extra soft. On those long flights you just have to have some soft material on your bee-hind and I suppose..."
Anchor: "Couldn't they just do like Alan Shepard?"
ScarlettP: "Not if you're in the car on your way to abduct the other woman, it would totally ruin the seats. But what..."
Anchor: "Nowak's from Houston, isn't she? And that's in the South! And so's Tennessee!"
ScarlettP: "That's pretty silly."
Anchor: "So is sending cookies across the Atlantic."
ScarlettP: "I was being nice, dammit!"
Anchor: "It had nothing to do with some pervert having possession of a certain... private item of yours? Extortion plays really well with the viewers, you know."
ScarlettP: "Well, it's true that my soul's been hidden some where over there by..."
Anchor: "Soul? I was talking about the diaries."
ScarlettP: "Eh?"
Anchor: "Eh... I was told Ethric the Mad Lich had some sort of hold on you and that he had a diary?"
ScarlettP: "No, he had diarrhea. 's why he couldn't be here t'night."
Anchor: "I see... did this have anything to do with those... cookies you sent him?"
ScarlettP: *ahem* "Well, they were perfectly fine when they left my care, I suppose anything could've happened to 'em in transit."
Anchor: "But there's nothing wrong with this lovely cake you brought tonight, I trust? No laxative in this? Heh heh."
ScarlettP: "Oh, I'm eatin' it myself you know."
Anchor: "Yes, it's quite delicious."
ScarlettP: "Mm-hm, good thing I'm resistant to it."
Anchor: "Excuse me, I'll just go to the restroom for a while."
Studio Commentary: "Ladies and Gentle men, the lovely ScarlettP, a nice hand of applause if you please. We'll be back with more or less sooner or later if we can find someone interesting."
Studio Commentary: "What's all this, then? An interview? Must be that time of the month again... You know, that time of the month when the server is working, there's absolutely nothing good on the telly and you-know-who just bought a new bottle of Scotch. Better get to it right away, before something funny happens."
Anchor: "Too late. Winterfate, welcome to the show and please take off that silly hat. You look like a garden gnome."
Winterfate: "Aw, come off – it's velvet, man!"
Anchor: "Still."
Winterfat: "It's all the fashion! All the cool kids wear'em!"
Anchor: "I hardly think so."
Winterfart: "It set me back three grand!"
Anchor: "Guess money rules when good taste fails. Let's get to it, shall we?"
Winterfad: "Get to what?"
Anchor: "What you're here for. The hot stuff."
Winterfade: "Erhm... this isn't going to be like that Simpsons episode, is it? Where they visit that "Steelworkers of America" steel plant where all the workers are gay...?"
Anchor: "I don't get it."
Wintershade: "Molten iron? Hot stuff coming through?"
Anchor: "You'd better not be thinking about taking your shirt off. The hat you can lose."
Winterhate: "No. I like it."
Anchor: "That's 'cause you're insane."
Winterhat: "Sure."
Anchor: "Look, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. Either take that incredibly silly hat off and stick it somewhere I can't see it, or I'm gonna have a stunt man jump you and snatch it before he sticks it in the furnace."
Winterbat: "Sorry, hat stay on. And he can't snatch it if I pull it very hard down over my face."
Anchor: "Good, hides your face. Question time. What do you bring to the Round Table?"
Winterbait: "Enthusiasm, amusing jokes, an average posting rate of eleven a day and one damn fine velvet hat."
Anchor: "You mean you're an average Joe."
Wintercake: "Yup."
Anchor: "One of those guys who comes for the fun and the games and the total lack of discipline and spends all his time in the Campfire and brings nothing to the other forums."
Winterlake: "You want discipline in the forums? Like, people posting only answers to the questions asked, asking only relevant questions that have never been asked and answered before, never posting out of turn or off the topic or doing anything even remotely resembling fun? You want a nazi community? Man, guys like that just make me wanna punch my head through a wall."
Anchor: "You say that as though it was a bad thing."
Winterwake: "Have you any idea how expensive it is to fix a wall these days?"
Anchor: "Yeah, but seriously – what sets you apart from the other average Joes and lonesome Jims, what sort of imprint do you make, what do you bring to the Table?"
Winterwack: "Enthusiasm."
Anchor: "But that hardly makes you unique?"
Winterwank: "Don't forget the hat."
Anchor: "Let's talk about your latest game proposal..."
Wintermate: "Yeh, it sucked."
Anchor: "... you said that creatures... errr what?"
Wintermat: "Sucked."
Anchor: "Eeehh... I'm not sure I follow..."
Winterwait: "Sucked. Big time."
Anchor: "Bu-but I was just going to say..."
Winterwaiter: "Like a vacuum cleaner the moment Chernobyl went kaboom."
Anchor: "But I had this whole line of arguments lined up against it here..."
Winterwater: "Took the wind out of your sails a bit there?"
Anchor: "I'll say."
Winterhater: "Honesty always gives you the advantage of surprise with the press."
Anchor: "Speaking of surprises...
*thump* *thump* *thump* *thump* *thump* *thump* *HUMPPPH!!*
Winterhinter: "HEY!!"
Anchor: "Quick, isn't he."
Wintersquinter: "That guy took my hat!"
Anchor: "That guy is our stunt man. Got some moves, too – see that way he just dove over you, grabbing the target midway?"
Wintermint: "Where's he going with my hat!?"
Anchor: "Relax, it'll be taken downstairs and burned, you'll never see it again."
Wintermind: "That's supposed to make me relax...!?"
Anchor: "Now, if we could proceed to the more illuminating part of the interview I'd like to ask you about fashion – what is it, where did it come from and where is it going in the future..."
Winterblind: "He is going to burn my hat!?"
Anchor: "Yes, yes, so it appears. Please, I'm not used to being interrupted. You see, the whole point of fashion is to ensure the revolution of clothing manufactured by the capitalist producers and purchased by the population..."
Winterdeaf: "Now, I will not have this – I demand that the stunt man immediately..."
Anchor: "Shut up or I'll hit you very hard over the head with a ladle. Now I lost my thread. Let's switch to the next issue: some photos we got off your hard drive."
Winterdumb: "What about my ha... what do you mean!?"
Anchor: "I particularly liked this one by the pool, of the guy the baird?"
Winterdumber: "Hey! Keep my mom out of this!"
Anchor: "What about this one?"
Winterdust: "OK, that may have been a bit over the top, but in my defence, I was very drunk at the time."
Anchor: "We've got some vids too, if you'd like to..."
Winterbust: "You wanna come back to my place?"
Anchor: "... what...!?"
Winterbus "You wanna come back to my place?"
Anchor: "..."
Winterbush: "..."
Anchor: "Yeah, all right."
Studio Commentary: "Today, on this wonderful, spectacular, breathtaking Monday of February, we bring you... a bit of a downer."
Anchor: "Mr. Veldrynus, welcome to the studio, and welcome back to the boards!"
Veldrynus: "Shuddup. And turn off that f***ing jingle."
Anchor: "Not a big fan of U2, eh?"
Veldrynus: "F***ing over-paid, false-singing, rhythm-less, over-zealous motherf..."
Anchor: "Right – a bit grumpy today, are we?"
Veldrynus: "I f***ing hate this place. Not just this place, the whole globe is so f***ing dull."
Anchor: "I see. And..."
Veldrynus: "In fact, I can control my excitement for the entire solar system."
Anchor: "Well, if..."
Veldrynus: "The universe sucks."
Anchor: "What's wrong with it?"
Veldrynus: "It's f***ing 3D, for starters."
Anchor: "..."
Veldrynus: "And then there's the ridiculous notion that because we loved the old world, somehow that justifies moving on to a brand new one without as much as a goodbye-party."
Anchor: "Ah! Wavelength match. You're talking about the Heroes universe."
Veldrynus: "They drop in hints here and there... this bi*ch who was the "turned to necromancy by Sandro himself", for instance... but what's the point of that if the whole old world is gone and no connection is made to the new one?"
Anchor: "So what you're saying is that..."
Veldrynus: "It's crap!"
Anchor: "Oookey. So you're disappointed."
Veldrynus: "Yes."
Anchor: "Feel it was a waste of money."
Veldrynus: "Well, it would have been if I had bought it."
Anchor: "Ah. But lots of time, I gather."
Veldrynus: "No, I only played it for ten minutes."
Anchor: "Right. So your main complaint is... that a game you didn't buy or play very much was...bad. Tell me, are you one of those who get upset with web admins for not keeping the sites you browse up to date?"
Veldrynus: "Of course! One should expect more from them."
Anchor: "People who use their spare time to make websites you can browse for free?"
Veldrynus: "Yes. Slackers."
Anchor: "Right. Now, let's talk about why you were banned from the forum some time ago."
Veldrynus: "I was bad."
Anchor: "Y...e...e...e...s, we kind of got that from the response. What did you do, exactly?"
Veldrynus: "Well, I was being bad. Bad boy."
Anchor: "Yes, but what was it?"
Veldrynus: "Look, I am the best Heroes 4 mapmaker around, agreed?"
Anchor: "Well, one of the best, I would..."
Veldrynus: "AGREED!?"
Anchor: "Please put the vase down, it's quite expensive. Now, tell me what it was you did before I call your mom."
Veldrynus: "Nonono don't do that, I'll be nice, see, the vase is on the table."
Anchor: "Well?"
Veldrynus: "Oh, I just asked for permission to do something, and when they said no I did it anyway."
Anchor: "Ah... but then, what's the point of even asking?"
Veldrynus: "I forgot that it's usually easier to get forgiveness than permission."
Anchor: "So, after a bit of time in the penalty box they let you come back."
Veldrynus: "Yes, because I'm the best mapmaker around and the boards would be so empty without me."
Anchor: "Without your bitching and whining and constant flow of sarcastic comments, you mean?"
Veldrynus: "Uh-huh. But this is hardly news, is it?"
Anchor: "You're complaining that we're not up do date, now?"
Veldrynus: "Well, this is supposed to be the news, isn't it?"
Anchor: "No, it's a feature."
Veldrynus: "Well, that's all right then."
Anchor: "Shuddup."
Veldrynus: "That's my line."
Anchor: "All right, that's that, then."
Veldrynus: "Hey! Um... I did have one last thing before we go back to our respective worlds of complaining and bothering the hell out of people..."
Anchor: "Yes?"
Veldrynus: "Well, I hear that you're on a first-name basis with some of the hunnies 'round here and I was wondering..."
Anchor: "Oh, you mean the groupies?"
Veldrynus: "Yess – any chance you could set me up on a date with one of them?"
Anchor: "Blonde? Brunette?"
Veldrynus: "Sure."
Anchor: "Aaaaall right... lemme just call up this one I met at a wrap party last week... Ah! Hey, babe – remember you said I could call you any time? Yeh, I'm calling on behalf of my man Veldrynus – he's too shy to ask you out... Aha! You've seen Vel? Not your type... So what's your type, then? Aha... Beat it, Vel, we don't need you right now..."
Studio Commentary: "So, in the middle of writing an introductory thesis, our team also managed to get through the entire last season of "The West Wing", a book on European cities in the Middle Ages, working evenings and prepare a lecture on the northern areas of the Arctic in just two days."
Anchor: "Everest is for sissies."
Studio Commentary: "This is when you tell me that sleep is for the weak and that the drooling, the redness in your eyes, your continuous twitching and irritable behaviour is part of your normal state of operation?"
Anchor: "Well, sleep lacks a certain... masculine... whatever..."
Studio Commentary: "Well, since you're unable to function as interviewer, I drafted in a replacement for tonight, hope you don't mind."
Anchor: "I do mind."
Studio Commentary: "I don't care. Get outta here. Get some sleep. Eat some food. See that girl you were schmoozing the other day."
Anchor: "Yeah, yeah..."
Studio Commentary: "Roben! Take it away!"
Robenhagen: "What, now? But I've got a thing."
Studio Commentary: "All right, we'll try something new. Just let the guests interview themselves, m'kay?"
Robenhagen: "Yeah okay. Guys! You're up!"
Paulus: "Should we just... start?"
Robenhagen: "Do whatever you want. I'm outta here."
Paulus: "Okey, so, what's up, guys?"
Pol: "I brought a deck of cards. We can play Pig."
Paulus: "We got a third player?"
Omega_Destroyer: "Wassup?"
Paulus: "Hey, Omega_Destroyer! Or "OD", as I sometimes like to call you."
OD: "Sometimes I like to call you "cupcake", is that OK?"
Paulus: "Totally."
Pol: "Deal the cards, man."
OD: "So, what's goin' on?"
Paulus: "The studio guys left, so we have the place to ourselves."
Pol: "Total free-for-all. Open mike."
OD: "Any booze around here?"
Pol: "Dunno. But hey, let's talk about that article."
OD: "What's he talking about?"
Paulus: "There was an article in a gaming mag, with an interview with some producer. Says it's possible we'll see another M&M title coming up soon™."
Pol: "I bet it's M&M 7! I just know it!"
Paulus: "Nononono! Don't say it, man! What the hell is the matter with you? You wanna tempt the wrath of the whatever from high atop the thing?"
Pol: "No?"
Paulus: "Then run outside, turn three times and spit."
OD: "And curse."
Pol: "Spit and..."
Paulus: "Go!"
OD: "He's off. Let's see what kinda cards he's got."
Paulus: "Any threes there?"
OD: "Nah. Kings and eights."
Paulus: "M'kay."
OD: "Put it back, here he comes."
Paulus: "You done?"
Pol: "I turned, I spat, I cursed. Whatever."
OD: "Can't be too careful."
Pol: "You really can."
OD: "So what's with that Olympics thing? Any of you guys play?"
Paulus: "I can bring it."
Pol: "Hey, what happened to my cards?"
OD: "What?"
Pol: "I thought I put them over here..."
Paulus: "Nah, over there."
OD: "Pretty cool to own the joint. We can do what we want. Say, anybody want to try out the Anchor chair?"
Pol: "Hell, no."
OD: "Why not? C'mon, it's comfy. Ahh..."
Paulus: "Dude, I don't think that anchor guy has any pants on when he's on the air..."
OD: "EEEEWW!!!"
Pol: "Heheheheeeeee..."
OD: "You know, you could've told me that before I sat down."
Paulus: "Funnier this way."
Pol: "I've got three jacks."
OD: "Stuff that. Let's talk about the new patch."
Paulus: "Boooriiiing."
Pol: "True. What else?"
OD: "I'm still waitin' on the booze."
Paulus: "I think Roben swiped it before he left."
Pol: "What else?"
Paulus: "I think there's some lemonade in the fridge over there."
OD: "There's a fridge?"
Paulus: "Well, I guess the staff need a few items of luxuries."
OD: "Is that a television I see over there?"
Paulus: "To watch the show during taping, I guess."
OD: "A couch..."
Paulus: "For the guests."
OD: "Jacuzzi..."
Paulus: "Groupies."
Pol: "I can dig this place."
OD: "Is that the ModMobile I see out there on the tarmac?"
Paulus: "Lemme see!"
Pol: "I guess that's what these keys are for..."
OD: "... you guys thinking what I'm thinking?"
Paulus: "...that we should take this opportunity to experience first-hand the acclaimed comfort and style this ride has to offer?"
OD: "Yeah, and if it's really true that it can do nought-to-sixty in three seconds flat."
Pol: "Hang on, hang on! We can't just take the thing out for a joyride just like that!"
Paulus: "He's right."
Pol: "Grab the lemonade first."
OD: "And, we're off!"
Studio Commentary: "We've got some news... and it's not good, folks. We go now to our reporter in the field, who is not in a field right now. He's right here in the building."
Reporter: "Yes, I am currently making my way down to the bullpen, where Kalah is polishing the final draft of his final issue. Having not submitted any material for weeks, it hardly came as a surprise to us here in the office that the little weasel has decided to discontinue the series of RTW articles altogether."
Kalah: "Hah."
Reporter: "Mr. Kalah, why have you decided to..."
Kalah: "Hardly a surprise? You were shocked."
Reporter: "Well, not really. I was quick to call my broker and dump my stock options, but I don't think that constitutes a..."
Kalah: "All right, now you've moved past the point where I lost interest."
Reporter: "Well, why don't you tell us about your motives; why did you decide to stop writing?"
Kalah: "Got bored."
Reporter: "Wow, you nearly had me dazzled with that clever web of words."
Kalah: "I've been writing it for a while now, and I've run out of good ideas. Since I grew weary of waiting for one to pop into my head, I decided to move onto other things, like my thesis."
Reporter: "Which is about..."
Kalah: "International conflicts regarding Norway's ocean territories in the north, and what role the continental shelf has played in shaping the... I've passed the point where you lost interest, haven't I?"
Reporter: "Some time ago, yes."
Kalah: "Well, you'll have to excuse me, I've got some more typing to do."
Reporter: "What are you working on?"
Kalah: "Updating my CV."
Reporter: "Ah. Got any offers yet?"
Kalah: "You mean except for the offers from NASA, the Washington Post and the UN?"
Reporter: "Yes."
Kalah: "Nope."
Reporter: "Well, I'm sure something will turn up."
Kalah: "I'm sure."
Reporter: "So, this is the last of the RTW, is it? Nothing more planned?"
Kalah: "Well, yes. I might be persuaded to come up with some special feature articles from time to time – if the money's good enough... but I'm not committing to any deadlines again. The "weekly" is done with."
Reporter: "That was more or less a symbolic deadline anyway, wasn't it?"
Kalah: "Not at first. It got moved around a bit, but I planned on making weekly things. I guess sooner or later you get bored unless you don't have to sit down and write."
Reporter: "So you're not likely to finish that book you started either?"
Kalah: "I'm not talking about that. It'll jinx the project."
Reporter: "What would happen if you came up with a great idea for a new article, then?"
Kalah: "I'd stuff it in a drawer and save it for a special occasion like Christmas or Milla's birthday."
Reporter: "What if somebody else came up with a great idea and told you about it so you could write about it?"
Kalah: "I'd stuff it someplace else."
Reporter: "You're not into ghost writers?"
Kalah: "What are you insinuating!? I mean, I liked the guy, but I have absolutely no such..."
Reporter: "I mean other people writing for you. You know, ghosting."
Kalah: "Ah... well... *ahem* no, not really. I want to write my own stuff."
Reporter: "What was that you were going to say about..."
Kalah: "Say! That weather is really nice today, isn't it!"
Reporter: "It's two degrees above freezing, and it's snowing."
Kalah: "Yeees... Nice, ain't it."
Reporter: "So, let's get back to why I came down here, which was to see if I could sneak off with any cool trinkets from your desk after you left for good... did I say that out loud? I meant interview you about... er... a last couple of things."
Kalah: "Well, I'm just about done, so be quick."
Reporter: "There is a party of some sort planned, I hear?"
Kalah: "Yeah, it's a party celebrating either the announcement of the second H5 expansion or my departure."
Reporter: "You will not be here to cover the event?"
Kalah: "Nah. That's your job. I'm off to Tahiti."
Reporter: "Really?"
Kalah: "Well, really it's just the south coast of Norway, but that comes pretty close. Anything else?"
Reporter: "Just a couple more questions... um, what is your favourite colour?"
Kalah: "Blue. But you knew that."
Reporter: "What is the maximum load capacity of a European swallow?"
Kalah: "About 150 grams, but it depends on the swallow. Also, the weight will affect its range."
Reporter: "What's your next article going to be about?"
Kalah: "Not writing one."
Reporter: "If you were?"
Kalah: "The ridiculous cutscenes in Heroes 5."
Reporter: "Favourite tea?"
Kalah: "Mango."
Reporter: "Favourite cricket team?"
Kalah: "Don't have one."
Reporter: "But... what about your bat?"
Kalah: "That's just for killing people."
Reporter: "Football team then?"
Kalah: "The Spurs."
Reporter: "OK, I'm done."
Kalah: "So am I. Outta here."
Reporter: "You wanna come back to my place later?"
Kalah: "Yeh, sure."
Studio Commentary: "That's it, folks. If Kalah decides to write anything again, it'll be surprising. And pay-per-view. Ta!"
