Celestial Heavens - RTW Collection

: Posted 09 July 2006; by Kalah

If you visit the Campfire forum on a regular basis, you are probably familiar with Kalah's Round Table Weekly. Probably inspired by the work of Gothrak, Kalah posts a weekly column about a fake interview with a forum regular, a HoMM creature, or anything else that might cross his mind during the late hours of the night. While you need to have spent some time at the RT to get all the references, there is enough craziness for everyone. The first six months of RTW have been compiled and reprinted here, while the original posts with feedback are there. Enjoy the show.

The Round Table Weekly Collection

The Round Table Weekly was something I came up with to take the place of the Everyday Doings thread in the old forum. Whereas this had the structure of a summary, and each member would be ascribed an occupation or hobby based upon his or her title (evolving as time went by), the RTW is written as an interview with an individual member.

The RTW is full of what might be construed as sharp, almost mean-spirited sarcasm. The intention is not, however, to offend anyone. The interviews are ironic and only loosely built on actual events or character traits; yet they aim to amuse the readers at the subject's expense. If you at one time or another feel that you have been unjustly treated, take comfort in the fact that noone (including myself) is safe, and that next week, someone else will be the target.

The later interviews also contain practical information; on the composition of the forums, how things work, how problems arise... and the usual heckling of public figures and/or ficticious characters like Heroes 5 creatures.

Edition #1: Lpatenaude and Corribus.

Anchor: "For this week's interview, we've landed a real treat - Lpatenaude, also know as Orionpax. Now, you've always been an expert on the Heroes series, specifications and anything computer related, is that right?"

Lpatenaude: "Is Windows Vista a bilateral OS using the newest X1L2 interface?"

Anchor: "... I'll take that as a yes, shall I? Now, you've been frequenting this board for some time, and you say you were a key figure at the old Table as well. Why did they throw you out?"

Lpatenaude: "If you ask me, it was because they didn't value my expertise. They didn't really realize what a benefit it can be to players everywhere to have a guy like me, giving advice and share my knowledge with them."

Anchor: "Right, we asked one of the moderators of the Table if he could provide us with an explanation for your banishment, to which he replied: "Who? Oh, that fart." and told us to sod off. As a replacement, we have acquired Corribus - who is not an admin, but a very funny person. Corribus..."

Corribus: "Call me C. I try to keep in with the media folk."

Anchor: "Right. Now, Lpatenaude was tossed out of the Round Table, rather unceremoniously, what do you think the explanation is?"

Corribus: "Apart from the fact that he doesn't know which way is up or down on a keyboard?"

Anchor: "Yes."

Corribus: "Well, I don't know if it was the fact that his posting were mostly made up of a mixture of gibberish and gobbledigook, or the fact that his English was worse than that of a Frenchman who's spent all his life living as a hermit in a barn in the Congolese countryside, but I do know it was almost certainly one of the two."

Anchor: "I see. What do you have to say to this?"

Lpatenaude: "Obviously, they have no idea what they are talking. Who else can you say knows what a 7/H OS fix is? Or how to correct a problem with the Vista beta before the programmers have had a chance to release it?"

Corribus: "Not many."

Anchor: "OK, I see we're short on time, but apparently, the tech staff are all down on the floor gasping for air, so we have a few extra minutes, I think. Lpatenaude, when you were banned from the new Table, you went back to the old, let's take a minute looking at what you were saying over there - before they kicked you out of that one as well."

Lpatenaude: "Eyh!"

Example 1: "The problem is: Need someone that has already successfully installed the x64 edition to send me a copy of their config.sys and autoexec.bat files where in whom they've been encoded in 64bit parameters. So, once the overall hardware is prepared fully to accept a new installation of an O.S. based onto the 64bit platform, then the Setup application program gets to recognize the status of the machine and accepts to begin the process of installation in its entirety".

Example 2: "First of all, nobody programs/develops using C++'s language anymore. It's the 5 year old Java's complex yet simple to use J+ language in thorough use as of right now(especially for the new 64bit hardware and its newest O.S.(2 of them soon enough) to be implemented by Fall of 2006".

Example: 3: "The Forum did not move, nor transferred anything. Angelspit and the rest of his Montreal buddies only set up a new physical server and, remade, from scratch(nothing) an improved yet copied Forum of The Heroes' Round Table onto their newly online server's web-site. They only had the right to use their initial name of Celestial Heavens.com by using their government licensing's legal documents".

Example 4: "Before you get to download the package of 3.5.8f, go to the Other Download Stuff link at the top of that web-page, and replace your game file Heroes3.exe with the one linked with Fileplanet.com. You will need to subscribe, for a free account with Fileplanet in order to be able to make any download within that web-site(in the Wake of Gods). Yes, it is a modification expansion game. It is now, needed in order to be able to play HoMM3 onto any Windows XP versions available today. That includes the Service Pack 2 installed over any of your initial version of Windows XP(2001 to 2005)- Media Center Editions included".

Anchor: "And we're back. Now, C, what do you think..."

Corribus: "Oh, please stop, I can't take it any more... hihihihiiii, whohoohooo...!"

Anchor: "Um, I don't think that floor is very clean, Sir."

Corribus: "Oh, man, can somebody please get me some oxygen?"

Lpatenaude: "Now, the real reason they could not risk having a person such as me around any longer..."

Anchor: "Oh, will you stop it - clearly you're nothing but an idiot. Now, let's focus instead on C's new hairdo. How did you manage those curled lines?"

Corribus: "Well, if you must know, I always use the new line of RT hair products. Now, when you..."

Edition #2: HodgePodge.

Studio Commentary: "As you know, yesterday was the day off for most of our staff; a sickday negotiated long ago when it became clear Sundays would no longer be paying extra. So here's this week's edition of: the Round Table Weekly!

Anchor: "Here in the studio we have HodgePodge, along with her two friends MinceMeat and ScrambledEggs. Welcome. I see you are all wearing T-shirts with the word "Boycott" written on them..."

MinceMeat: "Yeah, 'aint they nice? We make 'em ourselves, and they're available for the price of only 2 GP."

Anchor: "What does the writing signify?"

ScrambledEggs: "Well, we're looking for boys, obviously."

Anchor: "Say what?"

ScrambledEggs: "We run after boys, and when we catch them, they're cott."

HodgePodge: "That's not what it means!"

ScrambledEggs: "It's not?"

HodgePodge: "No! Boycott means to refuse to buy, or refuse to take part in something as a way of protesting!"

Anchor: "Good, tell me about it."

HodgePodge: "We are here today to declare that we are boycotting games with StarForce in them! The..."

ScrambledEggs: *interrupts* "StarForce who?"

HodgePodge: "What, not who! StarForce is a program that sneaks into your computer when you install the game! It's immoral, illegal in some countries, and our goal is to see the end of such proliferation! The destruction of the spyware industry! See to it that everyone may be free of..."

Anchor: *interrupts* "Excuse me, but we're on a clock here. The technicians break for lunch in ten minutes. Can you tell me a bit about those large banners you've brought with you?"

HodgePodge: "Yes! We are here in the name of all gamers! In the name of freedom for all mankind! These banners symbolise the enduring struggle for..."

Anchor: *interrupts* "How many members does your organisation have?"

ScrambledEggs: "God, you're handsome."

Anchor: "Thanks, I know. HodgePodge?"

HodgePodge: "Well, at the moment, there's the three of us, and eight more on the forum, and there's one over at the Behemoth's Lair..."

MinceMeat: "Don't forget that guy at the Genie's Lamp."

HodgePodge: "Indeed - and he said he could get his dad to sign up..."

Anchor: "Hang on a minute. I was under the impression that there were thousands of you? 'In the name of all gamers', and all that?"

HodgePodge: "Yes, well, not yet, obviously. We have to get the message out to the people first. The message that the days of the spyware industry are numbered! That the time has come for..."

ScrambledEggs: "Are you single?"

Anchor: "Afraid not, my dear. So, HodgePodge, this 'message' - it doesn't filter out to the people by itself? It needs encouragement?"

HodgePodge: "Naturally, we have to educate the people - to make them understand what a good point we're making."

Anchor: "I see - like the communists?"

HodgePodge: "No! What I mean is... What side are you on, anyway!?"

Anchor: "Me, oh no - the media doesn't take sides; we report the events of the world with neutral, objective eyes. A true depiction of every case, covered from every possible angle... *blah-blah-blah*

Studio Commentary: "Notice how the interviewer begins making speeches of his own, once his ideologies are questioned. Now, we've had many calls about the suit he is wearing; it is a fine mohair single band made by our own tailors here at the studio. It can be purchased for the sum of only fifteen GP. If you like it, or anything else our reporter is wearing, please give us a call at 555-EATMYSHORTS, and talk to one of our lovely switchboard operators. Now, let's get back to the action..."

Anchor: "... and that's why bananas are yellow."

HodgePodge: "And that's why we are boycotting them! If you knew about the dangers of that colour being present in our daily lives..."

Anchor: "Yes, yes - look; many moderate people would agree with your views on bananas, but tell me: what's this nonsense about abolishing the use of the Death Ripple spell?"

HodgePodge: "The Death Ripple spell has been found to have a detrimental effect on plants and wildlife in the area around battlefields! We demand an immediate and permanent solution, by the removal of said spell from the roster, as well as..."

MinceMeat: *interrupts* "Would you like to try one of my cookies?"

Anchor: "Ooh, yummy... Mmm, very good. Did you make them yourselves?"

MinceMeat: "Yes. My mom's recipe."

Anchor: "Lovely."

HodgePodge: "What has this got to do with...! Arrrgh!! You're not listening to meee! Scrambs, hand me that flamethrower!"

Anchor: "Um... security."

Edition #3: DaemianLucifer and ThunderTitan.

Anchor: "This week, we have a special treat; two members have made their way to our studio – they are probably known to most people already, so without further ado, here's DaemianLucifer and ThunderTitan."

DaemianLucifer: "My friends call me DL."

ThunderTitan: "TT here."

Anchor: "Sorry, we've done that already."

DaemianLucifer: "Daem."

ThunderTitan: "But I want a nickname too! Corribus got one!"

DaemianLucifer: "What if you just call us..."

ThunderTitan: "It would be very unfair, you know..."

DaemianLucifer: "... something completely different..."

ThunderTitan: "… giving him a cool nickname…"

DaemianLucifer: "... from everyone else?"

ThunderTitan: "... but not us."

Anchor: "Whoa, Nelly! That's fast!"

DaemianLucifer: "Yes, of course..."

ThunderTitan: "... we're the only ones..."

DaemianLucifer: "... capable of such incredible..."

ThunderTitan: "... speeds, and that's..."

DaemianLucifer: "... really cool, 'cause..."

ThunderTitan: "... we can talk so fast..."

DaemianLucifer: "... that before anyone else can get a word in..."

ThunderTitan: "... we've each got fifteen posts to our name!"

Anchor: "Yes, I see you are also alternating, sharing each sentence?"

DaemianLucifer: "Sometimes."

ThunderTitan: "When one of us has to take in a breath of air..."

DaemianLucifer: "... the other one simply jumps in."

Anchor: "Marvellous. But why is this? What do you have to gain from such quaint behaviour?"

ThunderTitan: "We get more attention than anybody else!"

Anchor: "Won't the moderators have any objections?"

DaemianLucifer: "Well, lately..."

ThunderTitan: "... they have."

Anchor: "And..."

DaemianLucifer: "A bit."

Anchor: "... yes, I see. What..."

ThunderTitan: "Not that much."

Anchor: "Fine! Now will you please stay quiet long enough for me to ask a question! What sort of reactions have the mods displayed?"

DaemianLucifer: "They've deleted a few of my posts."

ThunderTitan: "... and a few of mine."

DaemianLucifer: "And they've closed topics I've created."

Anchor: "... um... that's it?"

ThunderTitan: "Isn't that serious enough?"

Anchor: "Are you kidding? That's like... like taking a pistol from Usama bin Laden! Like taking a buck from Richy Rich! Tell me, both of you, how many posts have you made each day since the opening?"

DaemianLucifer: "Well... er..."

ThunderTitan: "... hm.. no idea... never counted 'em, really, it's just post something and move on, always has been."

Anchor: "Well, this is turning into an interview about nothing, isn't it?"

DaemianLucifer: "Can't we get back to talking in half-a-sentences? This is really wearing me down."

Anchor: "Oh, yes, please, go on – this is the least interesting conversation I've ever had."

ThunderTitan: "I gotta take a short nap – I'm beat."

DaemianLucifer: "But then who's gonna post for you?"

ThunderTitan: "Don't worry – I'll just switch on my automatic Mindless-Loonacy-Outpourer ® and set it up to watch the RT for new replies to my posts. It'll be like I've never left."

DaemianLucifer: "All right, see you in a bit."

Anchor: "I guess that leaves just you and me."

DaemianLucifer: "Yup."

Anchor: "Say, are you hungry? I know this great place around the corner – the chef's a friend of mine, and their pressed meat is truly marvellous..."

DaemianLucifer: "Ooh, I'd love some – let's go. They have live music?"

Anchor: "Of course, there's a Viking choir there... you really need to have music at a decent restaurant, don't you think..?

*voices fade*

Studio Commentary: "Next week's interview will feature none other than our great admin Angelspit. If you among the audience have any questions for the admin, please send them in to us and we'll add them to our list. That's all for this week. See you next time!"

Edition #4: Angelspit.

Anchor: "In this week's feature, we have landed an interview with no one in particular; a big, stupid ugly ogre calling himself the admin of a dinner table slightly less square in shape than a usual one. Angelspit, welcome.

Angelspit: "Thanks... I think."

Anchor: "You do? There's a novelty, a boss with a brain."

Angelspit: "Hey, that rhymes."

Anchor: "Cool. Well, let's open up with a few questions from the audience, shall we? God knows they seem much more interested than I am. First... ah, here's a good one: What colour is your underwear?"

Angelspit: "Green, mostly. Goes with my skin. I've also got some white ones – at least they used to be white until I accidentally washed them along with my best pair of maroon disco trousers."

Anchor: "Right, here's another: You have appointed several minions to do lots of your dirty work for you. Is it laziness?"

Angelspit: "Actually, it's called delegation..."

Anchor: "Spell that, please?"

Angelspit: "De-le-ga-tion. I mean, the fact that I'm one of the few people on the board who actually have a life shouldn't take away this great forum experience from the members, and so I have enlisted a few devout followers to assist me."

Anchor: "Well, we've certainly experienced them first-hand, haven't we... Robenhagen, Gaidal Cain, Kalah – the list goes on, and the names, yes they do get worse... where did you find this crowd?"

Angelspit: "They just showed up one day."

Anchor: "I see, like the fungus?"

Angelspit: "How'd you know?"

Anchor: "I also have a question of my own: Are you really an ogre? Is that the real reason you never publicised a picture of yourself in the "real looks" thread?"

Angelspit: "What kind of interview is this?"

Anchor: "You think yours are any better?"

Angelspit: "I do."

Anchor: "Well, you're probably right. But there's not a lot of great material here, you know... Look at this list of questions – I mean, what kind of idiots are sending in stuff like this..?"

Angelspit: "Heheheeee, there, that's a good one."

Anchor: "Oh, yeah – hey, check this one out hiihiii..."

Angelspit: "... yeah, that guy is definitely still a virgin, ooh, man..."

Anchor: "oooh, can't breathe... OK, let's get serious again."

Angelspit: "Yes, let's."

Anchor: "I've got to pick on you some more – it's my job, no offence."

Angelspit: "That's fine.

Anchor: "You smell bad, you know that?"

Angelspit: "Yes, I take mud baths on Mondays."

Anchor: "Ah. Good thing the internet can't transfer smells. And that it can't scream. Now, after the Celestial Heavens site reopened in 2001, there were others helping out, I'm thinking of one person in particular – you know who I mean?"

Angelspit: "That must be Karyll. He's not that active any longer; he's got a real life too, and last I heard he was pursuing a career as village idiot of Fagaras or something."

Anchor: "OK, last question: What will the site have to offer once the new game is released?"

Angelspit: "Depends what we think about it. If it's good, we'll have contests of various kinds, creature polls, possibly some exploration into the StarForce issue... whereas if it's bad, we'll spit on the town hall floor and discuss the implementation of wedgies for the creators."

Anchor: "Thank you so much for coming, now please feel free to use our showers on your way out."

Edition #5: Kalah (demo).

Anchor: "This week, we have brought in an expert to demonstrate for us how to complete an operation that is in the minds of all our members – and Kalah, this is something most people should be interested in, isn't it?"

Kalah: "One should think so, yes. Everybody I've ever met online has had this in their minds at one time or another."

Anchor: "I see you have your equipment with you as well as your model... shall we get started? If I just ask you a basic question, such as: Where to start?"

Kalah: "Well, from behind, obviously – anything else would be, like, wrong. So, what I do is just get down on my knees here, strip my model down... like so..., stick my fingers in here and start screwing."

Anchor: "Right. I see you've done that a few times before."

Kalah: "Yeah, I've got some experience. But you don't need it; as long as you take your time and concentrate on what you're doing, even rookies can do this."

Anchor: "And of course they have for some time. But a little demonstration goes a long way, I suppose. Is there any particular technique one should use? Or avoid using?"

Kalah: "No, not really – though there are a few things one should keep in mind. A couple of groundrules, if you will."

Anchor: "Such as?"

Kalah: "Well, be careful, first of all. This is a quite delicate procedure. Don't just stick your hand in and start jiggling it about in there. If you're not careful, you could end up damaging something inside, or injure yourself."

Anchor: "I see. What else?"

Kalah: "Take your time, don't rush, and whatever you do: don't force anything. Don't thrust mindlessly, nor pull out too rapidly... Like, see here, now my tool is stuck... If I just yank it out (hang on, let me open it up for you here, so you can see better), you could damage... see this?"

Anchor: "Ah, yes... whooho, that's quite a distinct smell too, isn't it."

Kalah: "Yeah, it gets like that after a while. So while I'm doing this I might as well give it a bit of a clean."

Anchor: "That's interesting. You don't normally think of cleanliness in this type of situation, it's more like a dirty thing to do – I don't suppose you use soap and water?"

Kalah: "Oh, neeeeu, this is not a place for soap, nor water for that matter."

Anchor: "What if I happen to spill my drink?"

Kalah: "Oh, water is no problem, just wipe it down and make sure it 100% dry before you get back up top. I've heard of people spilling other things, more sticky things, and that could become a problem so you should let a professional handle that."

Anchor: "I see you’ve found the slot, and that took you... forty-eight seconds? That's not bad, is it? And again: you are not rushing."

Kalah: "You have to take your time doing this, it's essential, otherwise it could be the last time you get to do it on this particular one."

Anchor: "Wow, it's that easy? You're just the expert, aren't you?"

Kalah: "Flattery will get you everywhere. Right, I have now taken the cape off, so you can see everything, and it's time... to... stick this in place. There! It's in. And just to make sure it's in properly, I gently push on the topside to see if it touches the bottom... Yup, it's definitely in, tight and secure."

Anchor: "Outstanding. What if you want to take it out again?"

Kalah: "Oh, I wouldn't – at least not for a while. But it's just the same operation in reverse."

Anchor: "Now what?"

Kalah: "Well, reverse. We put the cape back on... like so, screw it in place, and that should be it. After that, we reconnect – forgot to mention that, it is of course essential that the model isn't plugged up when you do this. That could give you the shock of a lifetime when you try to stick your fingers in."

Anchor: "Good to know. So that's it, is it?"

Kalah: "Yup, operation completed in... two minutes, fifty seconds."

Anchor: "Great. Well, I want to thank you for making it to our show."

Kalah: "Oh, you're very welcome, it's a pleasure demonstrating this procedure to the newbies."

Anchor: "Yes, everyone, there you have it – let's have a big hand for our dear guest for his demonstration of how to install more RAM in your computer. That's it for this edition, we'll see you next time."

Edition #6: Gravyluvr.

Anchor: "This week, we have decided to grant the seven thousand requests for the appearance of a sauce eater on our show, so without further ado: Gravyluvr, welcome."

Gravyluvr: "Thankyou, thankyou."

Anchor: "Well, like I said, there have been many requests to have you visit our show..."

Gravyluvr: "Yes, indeed!"

Anchor: "... albeit most of them came from you..."

Gravyluvr: "Hm?"

Anchor: "Anyway, we decided to let things fly and have a whack at it."

Gravyluvr: "Come again?"

Anchor: "We had nothing else."

Gravyluvr: "Ah."

Anchor: "So, what are you going to share with us today?"

Gravyluvr: "Glad you asked that."

Anchor: "Well, it's not like I had anything else to…"

Gravyluvr: "It just so happens I have something very exciting for the members: A game called Yog's Diary. Anybody can participate, it's not difficult..."

Anchor: "What's it about, who's Yogi?"

Gravyluvr: "Yog! He's one of the most famous heroes in the series! Anyway, since so many people know about him..."

Anchor: "I didn't."

Gravyluvr: "... we thought it was a good idea to start up a game; people can write their own account of what Yog is doing, sort of like a journal."

Anchor: "But that requires some knowledge about who he was/is, what he does etc.? Won't that be a bit of a limiting factor in how many players you could have?"

Gravyluvr: "Yes, but it's not necessary though – you could always insert some funny fictitious doings without actually deviating from the story."

Anchor: "Still sounds like a game for two players."

Gravyluvr: "Also, there's an auction game going on, in which players can use an allotted amount of gold to bid on various HoMM artefacts."

Anchor: "Now you're talking – this sounds more like something for everyone?"

Gravyluvr: "Everyone indeed, and we're planning to move on to other big things, like campaign making based on Campfire threads, a possible card game, maybe a franchise..."

Anchor: "Right, now let's keep moving. Like I said, most of the requests came from you, but I have a couple of others here, demanding I ask what kind of cookies you like."

Gravyluvr: "... well, potatoes, surely."

Anchor: "Potato cookies. Right. And your favourite food in general?"

Gravyluvr: "Potatoes."

Anchor: "Snack?"

Gravyluvr: "Boiled potatoes."

Anchor: "Health freak. Right, pop quiz. Do you like the Mythbusters?"

Gravyluvr: "Of course."

Anchor: "Will you buy Heroes 5?"

Gravyluvr: "Yes."

Anchor: "Even if it stinks?"

Gravyluvr: "I've got a bad sense of smell anyway."

Anchor: "Fine, that's that over with, let's go now live to our man in the field..."

Gravyluvr: "Waitwait, I thought I was the main attraction here today?"

Anchor: "Yes, well, something more interesting has appeared – breaking news, so to speak; it appears one of Kareeah Indaga's kittens have fallen ill, so let's go now live to..."

Edition #7: Orfinn.

Studio Commentary: "Here it is again! The RTW! Flee! Hide! Run for your lives! And those of you who are currently not affected: Watch in amazement and laugh."

Anchor: "Tonight, we bring you the voice of a distant past. Here in our very studio we have secured the presence of a true viking. An explorer, a warrior, wielding axe and wearing pelts across his shoulders. Orfinn, welcome".

Orfinn: "Thanks, where can I put my axe?"

Anchor: "Oh, just leave it there by the door... it's within reach, so don't worry."

Orfinn: "Ah. All right, yes. And I'll leave my mead pitcher here on the desk, shall I? This thing is in the way, so I'll just..."

*noises, followed by silence*

Anchor: "Ah, and we're back. The microphone has to be in the vicinity, I fear, Mr. Orfinn."

Orfinn: "Well, hold on to it then! *mumble* weakling..."

Anchor: "Ah... well, oh! I see our soundman is coming in with one of those long poles. There we are! Now, Mr. Orfinn, you are a true descendant of the proud vikings of Norway, is that right?"

Orfinn: "Aye, this is true, I..."

Anchor: "Lots of them, was there?"

Orfinn: "Yes, and I am proud to represent the..."

Anchor: "My sources claim the people who were living in Norway in the so-called viking-age was not exactly plentiful?"

Orfinn: "Well, they were plentiful enough to bring forth from their loins this most radiant flower you see before you now; the..."

Anchor: "My friend the mediaeval professor says the amount of people 'going into viking' - i.e. leaving the country on raiding or trading expeditions was quite small; that the ability to undertake such adventures would be restricted to those rich and powerful enough to equip one or more ships and stay abroad for several months. And what of those people who lived in the interior?"

Orfinn: "Errr... what?"

Anchor: "My point is that there weren't that many actual vikings around!"

Orfinn: "Oh."

Anchor: "You see?"

Orfinn: "... yes."

Anchor: "And since the last actual viking lived some two thousand years ago, how is it sure that you are a descendant of one of those?"

Orfinn: "Well, Norway hasn't had much immigration through the years - it's only the last couple of centuries we've seen an actual settling of foreigners from outside Scandinavia."

Anchor: "True that, but let us turn the matter of the mead you brought with you..."

Orfinn: "Yes! *slurrrrpp!!* I drink mead as my ancestors did."

Anchor: "Ancestors... *mumble* ..anyway, it's real mead this?"

Orfinn: "Yup!"

Anchor: "How'd you get it?"

Orfinn: "I brew my own."

Anchor: "And this is what the people in today's Norway had to drink back then, is it?"

Orfinn: "You bet!"

Anchor: "Yeah, I'll take that bet. I wager you my trousers, tie and suspenders against a month of your personal service - that the people were drinking lots of water, milk, ale and only occasionally mead."

Orfinn: "Oh?"

Anchor: "Number one: water was a plentiful resource, and not as dangerous to drink as the typhoid causing well-water in the rest of Europe."

Orfinn: "Granted. Water still is abundant in our lands."

Anchor: "Cow's milk was not as plentiful, as only the richer people owned cattle, yet goat's milk was drunk by children and adults alike. And some historians theorise the bad relationship between the American indians..."

Orfinn: "The scraelings."

Anchor: "... yes, between the scraelings and the vikings settling in America was caused by the fact that the vikings drank milk whilst the indians were lactose intolerant."

Orfinn: "Eh??"

Anchor: "That aside, it is generally accepted that the Norsemen drank milk."

Orfinn: "Oh, well."

Anchor: "Then to the ale brewing."

Orfinn: "Yess! Lots of that. Skaal!" *slurrrrpp!!*

Anchor: "Surely... watch it, you're spilling all over the floor here."

Orfinn: "Vikings are allowed to do that."

Anchor: "So what I was saying, while the English and other peoples living further south drank brew to avoid typhoid fever - and so drank it very often - the Norsemen did not have that problem. So..."

Orfinn: "So..?"

Anchor: "So, they only drank the stuff at parties."

Orfinn: "Gilde."

Anchor: "Yes, a big party, a total hullabaloo in which every man, woman and child got drunk as skunks."

Orfinn: "In the best traditions of the Norwegian people."

Anchor: "At least we still have that. So they did drink mead, but only occasionally. Now to the matter of the climate."

Orfinn: "There's more?"

Anchor: "Oh, I will make you my servant yet. I have spoken to some of those absolutely gorgeous meteorologists over at Storm Weather Center - and I checked this info with other sources - and according to them, the middle ages were warmer than modern times."

Orfinn: "Ouch."

Anchor: "And the majority of the people referred to as vikings lived south of Halogaland in the mid part of the country, on the coast?"

Orfinn: "Yeees?"

Anchor: "And the coldest part of the country is further up north, inland?"

Orfinn: "... ah."

Anchor: "And the cold is only here in the winter isn't it?"

Orfinn: "Yes, but I'm telling you, it was cold!"

Anchor: "Be that as it may, it's not too cold now, is it? Unless you go to the far north and sit down in a place your mead would freeze."

Orfinn: "Well, the summer is very warm... and there are roughly ten years between every really snowy winter..."

Anchor: "So... summing up: chances are, you are not really a true viking descendant, then?"

Orfinn: "Well, yes.. no, I suppose not. There weren't that many of them, I guess."

Anchor: "This mead you drink isn't really what the people of Norway in general drank back then?"

Orfinn: "Well, no... I guess not."

Anchor: "And the median climate in Norway was not, and is not, as cold as you'd like your fridge to be?"

Orfinn: "Can't argue with the weather babe... *errr...* meteorologists."

Anchor: "Well, my work here is done. Please, drink up - and don't spill anything. Only real vikings get to do that, you know. Oh, and turn the lights out when you leave."

Orfinn: "Yes, Sir. Sweep the floor, shall I?"

Anchor: "Yes. And pancakes for breakfast tomorrow."

Orfinn: "Yes, Sir."

Edition #8: Ethric.

Studio Commentary: "Today, we have been asked to explain the lack of an article for last week's edition. Conceding that the article was in fact not issued, our editor has decided to make a comment for the record. He ensures our subscribers that future releases are forthcoming, but also regrets to inform the public that the writer has a mind of his own and writes only when and if he damn well pleases, and that, quote "if anybody has a problem with that, they can take it up with the complaints' department located next to the batting cage on the first floor", unquote. Our editor would also like to stress that the views of this reporter are his own, and not necessarily the broadcasters' – that is, he only represents the broadcaster whenever he says or does anything uncontroversial. Which isn't often."

Anchor: "Now, for this week's interview, we have sucked in a so-called 'lurker'. That is, a member who reads more than he writes. Ethric, welcome."

Ethric: "You know damn well that I only passed by and that your guys shanghaied me as soon as they saw me."

Anchor: "You're welcome, nonetheless. So, what have you been up to lately?"

Ethric: "You mean this 'interview' is an actual interview, and not just a roast?"

Anchor: "Well, of course, just tell us about your everyday doings of late."

Ethric: "Nothing I say will be used against me?"

Anchor: "Of course not, my dear Sir, I assure you, you are perfectly safe."

Ethric: "You just want to talk about me?"

Anchor: "One of the best topics around presently, I think. Not a word about the story of those very young ladies seen leaving your flat a little after two a.m. three days ago, I promise. Now, why don't you tell me, what have you been doing lately? You were one of the more active – quite possibly the most active figure on the old forum; yet now you have turned into some kind of opposite of ThunderTitan."

Ethric: "Opening my mouth only when I have something to say?"

Anchor: "Yes, one of those."

Ethric: "Well, I think I have said all I wanted to say, really. Maybe there'll be more when the game arrives. I'm sure I'll find something to criticize."

Anchor: "Your opinions are valued, I trust?"

Ethric: "Well, I doubt there are many people out there with as balanced and thoroughly advocated view as I have *sniff* and I am quite certain that once the new game hits the shelves I shall find enough topics to debate on and thus keep the forum buzzing with activity for some time. You know, it's important not to let such important reflections go to waste."

Anchor: "Some of the forumers also keep referring to something called 'real life' in this thread dedicated to letting people know you'll be gone for a spell – is that something we can assume is relevant for you also?"

Ethric: "Not really, no."

Anchor: "So what kind of important business has kept you away?"

Ethric: "Oh, it's mostly been computer games, really. You know: Oblivion, X3, that sort of thing."

Anchor: "School?"

Ethric: "What?"

Anchor: "Well... what about school?"

Ethric: "What about it?"

Anchor: "You attend? It takes up a great deal of time?"

Ethric: "Well, if I were to attend lectures, that would mean I would have to go out... You know... outside. Amongst other people."

Anchor: "Right."

Ethric: "And during the daytime too, with that gigantic, bright scareball in the sky – I mean, it's a filthy habit."

Anchor: "So you don't do that much, then..."

Ethric: "Well, when I have to. Fortunately, in the era of the internet, I don't have to too often. And in the wintertime, up here, it's like one long night – never gets light. That's why I live up here..."

Anchor: "Let's talk about your title – 'Necrosorcerous Rex' – what's it mean?"

Ethric: "Means I'm the king of undead magicians. Or something like that."

Anchor: "You do a lot of that? Magic, I mean?"

Ethric: "Oh, sure. Hey, would you like to see me pull a vampire out of this here hat?"

Anchor: "Maybe later. Why do you have this übertitle – it is so, isn't it, that you are the only one on the forum having your very own unique custom title?"

Ethric: "Got that 'cause I was the numero uno poster in the old one."

Anchor: "Ah, yes, Kalah was a couple of hundred behind you, wasn't he... Say, he's one of the few occasionally daring his way up to your den, isn't he?"

Ethric: "Yeees?"

Anchor: "So he visits?"

Ethric: "What are you getting at?"

Anchor: "Well, it just seems a bit odd, perhaps – a summoner and a lich hanging out, enjoying themselves?"

Ethric: "Whoa, I wouldn't say we're enjoying ourselves."

Anchor: "No?"

Ethric: "Oh, no – it's more like we tolerate each other's presence, really."

Anchor: "Our photographer got some snaps of your guest departing with a big smile on his face?"

Ethric: "Yeah, that just because that son-of-a... had a commanding lead in Alpha Centauri." *mumble* damn cloning vats *mumble*

Anchor: "Hang on a minute... you mean to say you were actually defeated by said inexperienced tree-hugger?"

Ethric: "Oh, well... I would probably have taken him in the end. After all, I'm the man. Hey, what are you doing?"

Anchor: "Oh, never mind, just making a few notes for tonight's news broadcast... let's see... 'summoner kills off necro opponent' *scribble* 'necro king dethroned' *scribble, scribble* ..

Ethric: "Anyway, as I was saying, I think that with my overwhelming majority in the Council... Are you getting this?"

Anchor: *scribble* "Hm? Oh, yes, please go on..."

Ethric: "Eventually I would have..."

Anchor: *scribble* "admits defeat..." *scribble*

Ethric: "... excuse me, do I have your full and undivided attention?"

Anchor: "Hm? Yes, yes, of course you do.. I'm just writing down these..."

Ethric: "Right. Um... there's been an earthquake in Cleveland."

Anchor: "Good."

Ethric: "And after I gave your mom a spanking, I proceeded to feed the tadpoles..."

Anchor: "Right... *scribble* uh... say what?

Ethric: "As I was saying, I think I had him beat."

Anchor: "Ah."

Ethric: "You want to hear some more about me?"

Anchor: "You know, I think we pretty much have what we need. Thank you very much."

Ethric: "Let me just show you the thing with my vampire-out-of-the-hat trick."

Anchor: "... all right, sure."

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