The Joke Thread

[asandir]

to continue in the current vein .....

what's small, red and can't turn around in alleyways??

a baby with a javelin through its head.


is that a little too tasteless??

[Xenofex.XVII]

While touring an Indian reservation in North Dakota filming a documentary, Barbara Walters was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses. So, she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress. His reply was: "Only have one woman. One woman, one feather."
Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave. This brave had two feathers in his headdress. And he replied: "Me have two women. Two women, two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms.Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me sleep with 'em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me sleep with 'em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung." The Chief said: "You fucking right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake"

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile" The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style.. ... me sleep with 'em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear." The Chief said: "No deer.. @ss too high, run too fast.

[DaemianLucifer]

@Xenofex.XVII

Hillarious!!

Ok,Im not sure how it sounds in english,but Ill give it a shot:

A boy walks into a drug store and asks for a gum.The sales girl absentmindedly gives him plastci explosive(dont ask).She sodenly notices and yells:"Boy,stop!I gave you a bomb!".The boy turns around and bursts into laughter.

There are two more versions of this joke,but they sound worse in english.But,anyway,here they are:

A boy walks into a drug store and asks for a gum.The sales girl absentmindedly gives him a razor.She sodenly notices and yells:"Boy,stop!I gave you a razor!".The boy turns around and gives her a bloody grin.

A boy walks into a drug store and asks for a soda.The sales girl absentmindedly gives him acid.She sodenly notices and yells:"Boy,stop!I gave you acid!".The boy turns around and a laugh oozez down his face.

[asandir]

lol@xenofex .... heard that one years ago .... it's a great joke

[DaemianLucifer]

A scotsman,an englishmen,a jew,a priest,a rabi and a vicar walk into a bar.The bartender looks at them and says:"What is this?Some kind of a joke?!"

Two sctos wait to board a boat for america,and notice a diver going into water.When they reach america after a long journey,they see a diver emerging from the ocean.One of them says:"Now how didnt we thought of that?Were going back on foot as well!"

[asandir]

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."






Most men believe that every woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

Sociological studies of women have shown this to be true, however in this fantasy one man is cooking and one man is cleaning.





How to satisfy a woman:

Compliment her.
Caress her.
Hold her.
Snuggle her.
Kiss her.






How to satisfy a man

Show up naked.
Bring food and beer.

[DaemianLucifer]

Women friendship:
Wife comes home late one night,and when the husband asks where she was,she answers she was at her friends house.Husband phones her 10 best friends,and none confirms this.

Male friendship:
Husband comes home late one night,and when the wife asks where he was,he answers he was at his friends house.She phones his 10 best friends,and all of them confirm he was with them,and half say that he is still there.

[Xenofex.XVII]

I'm not sure it would sound in engilish, but here it goes:

A pshychiatrist is sitting at his Office bored.Not a patient is commig.It's quet.the doctor is doing crosswords one after another, but suddenly the ofice doors open quetly a joung man crawls to the ofife , closes the doors, crawls by the wall, and brings something after himself.
The doctor gets fresh angain :
- So , who came here?A snake?
Silence.
-Snake , snakie , whats your name?
The man quetly crawls by the wall.
-Ah, i get it.A turtle came to the doctor.Well , turtle crawl near me to the chair.
Silence.
-Oh, I'm sorry , i confused you - A frog came to the doctor.Froggy , don't fear the doctor, come closer.
the young man raises his head an says.
- Fuck you , doctor. I am the Admin, i'm installing LAN here...

[DaemianLucifer]

A very old lady enters a sex shop,shaking very noticable.
- Do you have vibrators?
- Sure.Would you like fat ones,long ones,coloured,wrinkled,...
- Just tell me how to turn it off!

[Xenofex.XVII]

A young woman enters a sex shop. She asks the assistant what vibrators they have.
The assitant replies "We have white ones and Black ones. 20 Bucks each"
Give me a white one, asks the woman.

A hour later another girl enters the shop. She asks the same question and buys the black one.

A few hours later a blonde enters the shop. asks the same question.
The assitant replies "We have white ones and Black ones. 20 Bucks each"
B: How about that one on the shelf?
A: That's a very special one. It costs 300 $.
The blonde buys it.

After the work of assistant ends, his boss comes and asks how did the sales go.
"Not bad, I sold one black, one white ,20$ each and your thermoss for 300$"

[Orfinn]

"Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing. "

"Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny. "

"Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach? To keep his nuts warm. "

"What does mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes... "

And heres a longer one :

"A little boy was visiting his grandmother and the young boy asked his grandmother,"grandma, how old are you"? She replied, "you shouldn't ask me questions like that". A few minutes past and the young boy asked his grandmother another question, "how much do you weight"? The grandmother replied, "you shouldn't ask me questions like that"!
The following week when the little boy went back to school he told his friends about the coversation he had with his grandmother and how he was unable to get an answer from her. The little boy's friends advised him to look on her drivers license, all t he information will be there.

The next week when the little boy was visiting his grandmother he told her he knew how much she weighed and how old she was. The grandmother didn't believe him until he told her,"you weight 130lb., and you are 65 years old". Then the little boy in a ba shfull way wispered to his grandmother, "I also know you got an F in Sex".

[DaemianLucifer]

A little girl asks her grandmother:"Granny,whats love?".After grandmother explains,the little girl asks again:"Granny,whats sex?".After grandmother explains,the little girl asks again:"Granny,whats marriage?".After grandmother explains this one as well,the little girl asks again:"Granny,whats a lover then?"."Oh,my!Youve just reminded me!",shouts granny.She darts to the closet,opens it,and a skeleton falls out.

[jeff]

The drinks thread reminded me of this one.

The presidents of Anheuser Busch, Miller Brewing Co, Coors and Guinness sat down in a bar and ordered drinks.
The president of Anheuser Busch said, “After a hard day tending to the Clydesdale horses nothing is quite the same as a Bud.”
Miller’s president replied, “I like a great taste that’s less filling, I’ll take a Miller Lite.”
Coors Head said, “Nothing like the feel and taste of the Rocky Mountains, make mine a Coors.”
The Guiness President said, “I’ll have a diet coke.”
The other three turned in shock, “Why coke, we thought you would order a Guinness?”

He replied, “Well none of you are drinking beer, and I did not want to drink alone.”

[DaemianLucifer]

A priest drives late one night,comepletely drunk.Theres an empty wine bottle lying on the seat next to him.A policeman stops him.
- Will you please step out of your car,father.
- What for?
- Because you are drunk.
- I am not,Ive been drinking nothing but water!
- That looks like wine bottle to me.
The priest looks at the empty bottle,and suprised says:
- My god,hes done it again!

[Entreri]

Man comes to a church to confes
-Father i have sined,i have cheated on my wife
-How many times?
-Father im here to confes not to brag


Why is it good to give ur kids garlick?
U will find them easyer in the dark


A man is sitting in a train in a coupe hes sharing with a woman nervosly looking at his pack of smokes,he finnaly asks her:
-Sorry,may i light a smoke?
-Act as u were in ur home,sir.
He looks at her rather frustrated and puts the cigaret back in the pack


Some granny saw some young prostitutes throwing some comdomes away and they say to her:
-What grrany like u never had sex?
-I did children but i never peeled the skin off of him

[Vlad976]

Another blonde joke:

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she's broken every
single bone in her body. "That's impossible!" says the doctor.

The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!" She then touches her leg with
her index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then she touches her arm and yells
"Eeeeoooow!" Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her
composure as the tears start to roll down her face. She says, "See, I told
you I broke every bone in my body."

The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well, miss,"
he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is,
you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, you've broken
your finger."

[Xenofex.XVII]

I translated this one, so i might have used wrong words.

A policeman stops a car.
He tells the driver to blow the alckotester.
The alckotester shows that hes drunk and the drver starts to complain:
D:I'm not drunk! The alcotester must be broken.
P:That's impossible,sir.
D: Test it on my wife then.
When the policeman checks the wife with alcotester, the result is the same.She's drunk.
P: That doesn't meant the alcotester is broken. Your wife could have also drank alcohol.
D: Then test it on my 4 years old boy.
The policeman checks the boy too. The darn thing shows that the boy is drunk too. The policeman had to admitt that his alcotester is realy broken.
And let them go.

After they drove away the man told his wife "I told you that a glass os vodka won't do any harm to our son"

[DaemianLucifer]

After about a month of dating the girl asks her boyfriend:
- Honey,when will I meet your family?
- Its not possible at the moment,since my wife is at work,and my children are in school.

[Milla aka. the Slayer]

I hope that never happens to me

[DaemianLucifer]

One day,while cutting a tree,this woodcutters axe fell in the nearby river.He started crying and soon God appeared.
- Why are you crying my son?
- My axe fell into the river,and I cannot afford another.Now Ill starve for sure,and my family with me.
The God goes down into the river and carries out a Golden axe(no,not the game )
- Is this your axe,my son?
- No,its not.
The god goes down again,and comes out with a silver axe.
- Is this your axe,my son?
- No,its not.
The god goes down again,and comes out with an ironr axe.
- Is this your axe,my son?
- Yes it is.
Impressed with the woodcutters honesty,the God gives him all three axes to cary home with him.

Months after,that same woodcutter strolls with his wife,when she suddenly falls down into the river.The woodcutter starts crying,and soon the God comes down.
- Whats the matter now,my son?
- My wife fell into the river,and shes my only reason to live.
The God goes down into the river and brings back with Jennifer Lopez.
- Is this your wife?
- Yes it is.
- You are lying,it is not!
- Im sorry God,but please,let me explain:If I told the truth,youd go down and bring with you Cathrene Zeta Jones,and after I told you shes not my wife either,youd go down again and come with my wife.After I told you she is my wife,youd give me all three to take home,and Im a poor man and cant take care of three wifes.

The morale of this story is:When men lie,its because they have a strong reason,and for the benefit of everyone