The Round Table Weekly Collection
Edition #17: Heroes 5 Rakshasas.
Anchor: "Hello, everyone, welcome back to the Round Table Weekly. We're glad to be back from holiday, which is to say we're not, but we have to make a living somehow, and since Elite Model Management haven't returned any of our calls yet, we're back to this for the time being. This week, we have brought in a couple of visitors from the Silver Cities, the pawed and clawed furry creatures referred to by one forum member as 'Rackthemochacha'..."
Rakshasa Raja: "But that guy was quickly silenced."
Anchor: "... here they are, the Heroes 5 Rakshasas. Welcome, guys."
Rakshasas: "Mjaurrr, thank you."
Anchor: "That brings me to my first question: you are guys, right?"
Rakshasa Raja: "Damn right."
Anchor: "That's interesting, 'cause in the previous games you weren't even there; it has always been Nagas and Naga queens – female creatures – filling up the part you now slide into with the new producer."
Rakshasa Rani: "Mjaurrr, I am not a guy. Can't you hear the subtle 'purr' in my voice? Why do you mjaurr ask, anyway?"
Anchor: "Oh, nothing, I just found it interesting. You're basically the same creature; several swift swords, no retaliation etc., yet the producer has chosen to change your appearance in such a drastic way. Why do you think this is?"
Rakshasa Rani: "Mjaurrr, we don't know mjaurrr... He just called us mjaurrr up one day and said; "The snake's out, you're in." Anyway, mjaurrr we're glad we got the gig."
Rakshasa Raja: "Apparently mjaurrr there was something about him not feeling the dog or something mjaurrr..."
Anchor: "OK, many were sad to see the Nagas go, but instead we get some big cats, right? Let's talk about your abilities."
Rakshasa Raja: "Well, we're quick, we're funny, we cost a lot of money mjaurrr..."
Anchor: "Heh, jokes aside: you kitties are level six, second highest, topped only by the mighty, mighty titans. You're neck and neck with the Pit Lords, the Cavaliers, the Shadow Matriarchs... You feel you can handle the competition?"
Rakshasa Rani: "Hey, baby mjaurrr – you see these swords we got? Mjaurrr and we got lots of them."
Rakshasa Raja: "We can handle it. We're tough. Got lots of umph."
Anchor: "Yes, I can see that – plenty of attack and defence... lots of hit points, and what's that special ability of yours, Mr. Upgrade?"
Rakshasa Raja: "It's called mjaurrr "dash" – it's sort of like a haste spell."
Anchor: "So, if the hero bases his strategy on casting mass haste spells... you're just about useless? Or, I mean, you spend a whole turn on casting a spell on yourself – the result being that you still take a total of two turns to get to the enemy?"
Rakshasa Raja: "Now mjaurrr, don't forget the extra umph mjaurrr, and then there's the real bonus, which is this mane. Grrreat, isn't it? Rani on the mjaurrr other hand looks like a prepubescent kitten."
Rakshasa Rani: "We're not mjaurrr talking about that."
Anchor: "Dude, what's this growling and purring going on all the time?"
Rakshasa Raja: "Sorry mjaurrr, it's part of our programming mjaurr to purr and growl all the time. You know, mjaurrr to underline the fact that we're cats mjaurr. There's nothing we can do about it, sorry."
Anchor: "Oh, it's not your fault. Let's move on now, to... Say, what's going on?"
Rakshasa Rani: "Ah, he's just taking a nap. You know cats have a tendency to mjaurr fall asleep from time to time."
Anchor: "Er... isn't that a bit of a drawback – I mean, what if you suddenly collapse in the midst of a deciding battle?"
Rakshasa Rani: "I used to have that problem."
Anchor: "I've got another thing on my pad too; the lighting issue. When you enter combat, you tend to..."
Rakshasa Raja: "zzzzzz... rrrumph! Uh, eh? What'd I miss?"
Anchor: "...light up like Christmas trees. Ah, welcome back."
Rakshasa Rani: "You don't mjaurr like it?"
Anchor: "Well, it's not so much a question of personal likes or dislikes, it's more a question of why this peculiar phenomenon manifests itself."
Rakshasa Raja: "Mjaurr?"
Anchor: "I mean, the manifestation of peculiar and inexplicable illumination does generate a question of certain questionable adjudications on part of the designers – what is your response to this?"
Rakshasas: "Eeee... mjaurr??"
Anchor: "Why do you glow like that? Do the designers have any idea what they are doing?"
Rakshasa Rani: "It's an aura thing mjaurr."
Anchor: "Well, that's all right then."
Rakshasa Raja: "We're hungry. Got any mjaurr milk mjaurr around here?"
Rakshasa Rani: "Mjaurr or a piece of fish, we'll take fish too mjaurr."
Anchor: "Sorry."
Rakshasa Raja: "We'll just have to mjaurr tough it out."
Rakshasa Rani: "Nap time."
Anchor: "Just one last thing..."
Rakshasa Rani: "zzzzzz..."
Rakshasa Raja: "Too late."
Anchor: "Heavens. I need a drink, you want one?"
Rakshasa Raja: "Sure mjaurr. Vodka martini please mjauurrr. Hold the gin, hold the vermouth, and mjaurr can I have two pounds of raw meat instead of an olive?"
Anchor: "Eeeeerr..."
Rakshasa Raja: "Feed meee!!"
Anchor: "Ouch!"
Rakshasa Raja: "Do you see how hungry I am? Mjaurrr..."
Anchor: "Hang on, I think I have some biscuits here somewhere..."
Rakshasa Rani: "...zzzz... mmmtuna? Yes, please – lemme just get the lorry... zzz..."
Anchor: "Hello?" *tap, tap* "Is this thing on?" Ah, there we are. Hm? Sorry, technical, didn't quite catch that... You're saying... we've been sending a live background feed for the past ten minutes... and the studio cams have been running... So they got everything? The clothes change, the nose picking, the rather unhygienic use of... right. Nice. Thanks. Well, folks, today, we bring you a day in the life of the average newbie. To find out how the n00bs are greeted here at the Round Table, we had our reporter-in-the-field dress up as one and go on a fact-finding mission."
Reporter: "Hello, I'd like a seat at the Table, please."
Admin: "Sure, sign up here. Will that be newbie or non-newbie, sir?"
Reporter: "Beg your pardon?"
Admin: "Well, if you declare upon entry that you're a newbie, the other members might behave a bit... condescending – as if caring for a child, you know – but you'll get responses to any questions you might have practically before you've had a chance to ask them. People will explain things to you like you're a six-year-old, which is effective, but not very respectful, if I may say so. Whereas if you behave like a veteran, help is not as forthcoming, but members treat you with a greater degree of respect so long as you don't blow your cover by asking something silly like who Archibald is."
Reporter: "What would happen if I did?"
Admin: "Oh, you'd be designated Laughing Stock of the Week."
Reporter: "I see. Then I think I would like to try the newbie table."
Admin: "Sure thing. Just a couple of questions – just for security reasons, you understand..."
Reporter: "Sure."
Admin: "Right. You're not a spam bot, are you?"
Reporter: "No?"
Admin: "Good, that should do it. Welcome to the Round Table!"
Reporter: "Ah, thanks. Um, excuse me?"
Admin: "Yes?"
Reporter: "Is there anything... in particular I should know about this place before venturing inside?"
Admin: "Well, the basic outline of the forum is that we have divided it into general game-related discussions, off-topic discussion and the mods/maps section – for those who like to make stuff to improve the games, you see."
Reporter: "So what happens if I post something in the wrong place?"
Admin: "Please don't. We have a few guys who will get very silly with you if you do. Just read the sticky rules threads on top in each forum; most things are explained there. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some holes to dig."
Reporter: "Thank you. Right, so now we are entering the Great Hall. Or the Hall of Greatness as it is some times called, allegedly because the world record for beating people over the head with rubber baseball bats was set here two years ago."
DaemianLucifer: "Ohoy there, newbie!"
Reporter: "Ah, hello. Um... how did you know I was a..."
Ethric: "A n00b? It's written all over your profile. Zero posts 'n all that. What can we help you with? Got a question?"
Members: "A question!? Hey guys! Over here, quick, somebody's got a question!"
Reporter: "Um... well, yes, now that you mention it – I was just wondering..."
Kalah: "Cause it's written in the staaaar liiiight, and every line on your paaaalm!"
Ethric: "Never you mind him, he's just had one whisky too many."
Reporter: "Well, let's see, a question. Yes, I know: what's the best strategy when playing Academy in the new game?"
*Crowd buzzing*
Gaidal Cain: "One at a time, please!"
Reporter: "That's all right, I've got a note pad... you say see the walkthroughs, you say it depends on whom you're up against..."
Crowd: "More questions! More questions!"
Reporter: "Gee, you're really eager to help, aren't you? Um, excuse me, I can't really breathe if you squeeze me up against the wall like that."
Mod: "All right, folks, let's give 'im some room here, c'mon."
Reporter: "Uuuuh, what on Earth was that?"
Gaidal Cain: "Oh, just somebody going into mod mode."
Ethric: "Heh, try to say that ten times really fast."
Kalah: "Mod mode mod mode mod mode mod mode mod mode mod mode..."
Gaidal Cain: "Thank you, Kalah! That will do. Now all of you, go over there and continue doing... whatever it is you were doing..."
Kalah: "Oh, we were just..."
Gaidal Cain: "Jeezus! Don't tell me, man, I don't wanna know it!"
Reporter: "Right, I'll just proceed over here, shall I..."
Angelspit: "Ah, hey there, newbie. Getting to know the place?"
Reporter: "Yes, the... locals have been very forthcoming."
Angelspit: "Told ya."
Reporter: "Um... I was wondering..."
Angelspit: "Yes?"
Reporter: "Now that I've seen the newbie's point of view, is there any chance I could go back and..."
Angelspit: "No problem, I'll tell Robenhagen to make you a new profile. He's that tall dude over there, feeding the ravens."
*five minutes later*
Robenhagen: "There, you're done. You are now considered somewhat of an expert, so make sure you behave like you know what you're talking about."
Reporter: "Right, thank you."
Robenhagen: "And, hey! Don't... whatever you do... aw, crap, missed him. Oh, well – I'm sure he can't be dumb enough to..."
Reporter: "Hey there, guys, what's goin' on?"
Fnord: "Oh, we were just discussing some implementations of new features for WoG 3.59. What do you think?"
Reporter: "Well, not knowing which features you are discussing I can't really say..."
Pol: "Oh, it's just the new ones, the ones implemented after the last release."
Reporter: "Ah! Yes, of course. Very nice, I must say. I particularly liked the... oh, crap, I'm late, must dash – ta!"
Fnord: "Strange fella."
Reporter: "Hello, guys, what's new?"
ThunderTitan: "We were just explaining to this newbie here how to use the new editor."
Reporter: "Ah, yes... Well, carry on, don't let me bother you..."
Grumpy old Wizard: "Actually, maybe you might be able to help us – we were curious about this problem, see, about giving a neutral town extra creatures at the beginning of each week so long as it remains neutral..."
Reporter: "Y...e...e...e...s...?"
Newbie: "Yes, how do I do that?"
Reporter: "Weeeell... it's quite a complex procedure..."
Newbie: "Can you dumb it down for me?"
Reporter: "Well, I suppose... ehrm... no, not really, no..."
Robenhagen: "Oh, so he was dumb enough to enter the WoG forum and the Mapmaking guild on his first day... I suppose I'd better go and rescue him?"
Angelspit: "I suppose."
Robenhagen: "... ..."
Angelspit: "... ..."
Robenhagen: "Another beer?"
Angelspit: "Yup."
Robenhagen: "What will they do to him, you think?"
Angelspit: "Well, last week it was the stocks, so I'm guessing we'll have a new piñata in a minute or two."
Robenhagen: "Suppose I'd better go and rescue him, then."
Angelspit: "I suppose."
Robenhagen: "... ..."
Angelspit: "... ..."
Robenhagen: "Another beer?"
Angelspit: "Yup."
*and thus the days go by...*
Anchor: "We go now, once again, to our reporter in the field. This time, he has managed to gain exclusive access to the holiest of all places – the Moderator Tower".
Reporter: "Welcome, everybody, to l'endroit sacré, the place where the moderators of the Heroes Round Table come to relax, discuss serious and not-so-serious business and of course, to try and drink one another under the table."
Mod: "Eyh! You!"
Reporter: *looking around*
Mod: "Yes, you there, with the big nose! What are you doing in here!?"
Reporter: "Er... I am doing a feature on the..."
Mod: "This is mods and admins only! Who..."
Reporter: "Oh, yes, I know – the admin gave me access temporarily so I could..."
Mod: "The admin? Which admin?"
Reporter: "Oh, I dunno his name. He was big and green and smelled like je ne sais quoi..."
Mod: "Oh, well that's all right then."
Reporter: "You believe me?"
Mod: "Yes, you have to have been granted access by the admins to even enter this place, so..."
Reporter: "How's that?"
Mod: "Well, have you ever noticed this subforum before?"
Reporter: "No... You mean this particular subforum is only visible and accessible to the mods?"
Mod: "And a few others, staff and such, yes."
Reporter: "So here you hatch plans on how to moderate the forums, deal with troublemakers..."
Mod: "That's correct. In fact, we have several separate threads set up on individual troublemakers – or potential ones – so we can scrutinize their behaviour and determine the appropriate response, if there is to be one at all."
Reporter: "So you mean that all decisions made by the mods are unanimous?
Mod: "Hah! Oh, that's a good one, heheheee..."
Reporter: "... or at least discussed?"
Mod: "Well, most of them, yes. Some actions are rather standard, so they're not discussed; more often they are simply mentioned by the moderator who performed them after the fact."
Reporter: "What kind of action would this be, could you give us an example?"
Mod: "Well, taking action against a spambot, for instance, or sending a member a polite PM if his/her signature has a banner or something..."
Reporter: "I see. And what kind of actions would be discussed more thoroughly?"
Mods: "The big actions. The important actions. The ones you wouldn't be able to understand because you're not a big man."
Reporter: "You mean banning members and such? Discussions on possible inflammable topics, whether the mods should take pre-emptive action or just sit back and enjoy the fight?"
Mod: "All right, you understood bits of it."
Reporter: "How about a tour, now that I have you here?"
Mod: "Sure. This here is the subforum. Lots of topics here, on lots of different things. Here's one where we come to discuss the traffic on the site and the load on the server and such..."
Reporter: "... the boring bit, you mean."
Mod: "Yup. And here's our 'moderation thread' – typically used to send word of small actions taken, and here's the 'spam' thread, a separate one dedicated to the discussion of spambots etc."
Reporter: "Hey, and here we are approaching the interesting bit, I see."
Mod: "You're thinking about the 'troublemakers' threads. Yes, as you can see, we have set up lots of different threads on various members who – for instance – have a tendency towards flaming... Those threads were really active during the StarForce days, I can tell you."
Reporter: "I didn't realize there were so many?"
Mod: "Well..."
Reporter: "And there's even... wow, I didn't realize he was under the scope?"
Mod: "Now, take it easy – it's not that serious. It's not like these threads are being set up ten minutes before we ban a person. The people discussed in here might get a thread on them just for participating in a debate a little too... enthusiastically. That's doesn't really mean they're in trouble."
Reporter: "Well, what about this one?"
Mod: "Oh, he really is in trouble.
Reporter: "But debating is good, isn't it?"
Mod: "Indeed it is, which is why we have threads like these – we discuss things too. A thread on a quarrelsome chap often turns into a discussion on how far we should let a debate go."
Reporter: "Like warez?"
Mod: "Well, yes, we don't debate that too much nowadays. The line's been drawn and we've decided to outlaw warez/cracks discussion altogether."
Reporter: "Why? If a person has bought a game and wants to play it without the disc in the drive, shouldn't he be allowed to?"
Mod: "Well, perhaps. Certainly, there were people in favour of this, including myself. But where does one draw the line? CD cracks? File redistribution? DVD cloning? The fact is, this is a forum dedicated to the series, and we feel that by allowing nothing like this, we eliminate the grey areas. Much less work for us, and people know where they stand."
Reporter: "That's it? 'Less work for us'? That's your argument?"
Mod: "There is one other."
Reporter: "I'm all ears."
Mod: "As an independent fan site, we feel it would hinder us if we develop too close ties to either side of the spectrum. Thus we will not accept payment or reward from game producers etc. for any work that we do – as this would compromise our independence with regard to the fans, nor will we compromise our relationship with the gaming industry by tying bonds with people who (even just technically) are in violation of copyrights and such. In short, we are, in all respects, neutral."
Reporter: "But you left the StarForce discussion open?"
Mod: "Yes, we realized that the debate on the official forum was very near boiling point; threads were being cleaned regularly, people were being banned... yet we felt the discussion itself was so important that there should be a place for people to discuss it."
Reporter: "So you made an exception to the warez rule."
Mod: "Not really, no. The StarForce thread was more a debate on the philosophical issue of copyrights and free use. We decided to leave it open on the conditions that people play nice, talk about it in no other thread, and then we kept a close eye on it." Reporter: "This is getting boring. Let's move on."
Mod: "Sure, here is an FAQ thread, another one asking for new moderator nominations..."
Reporter: "What about *whisper, whisper* ...?"
Mod: "Oh, he's been misbehaving – you see, *whisper, whisper* and then he *whisper* and we can't allow that."
Reporter: "So what are you going to do? A ban?"
Mod: "Well, a ban was discussed at one point, but then we thought that *whisper* was really a nice guy and he was just *whisper, whisper* so we're keeping an eye on him, for now."
Reporter: "Oh! And there's even a thread on *whisper, whisper* and both *whisper* and *whisper*..."
Mod: "Yes, like I said, not too serious, many of them. Would you like to proceed with the tour?"
Reporter: "Sure, who's that, sitting over there?"
Mod: "Kalah."
Reporter: "Really!? I mean, we're talking... the Kalah, here? That's really him?"
Mod: "Yup."
Reporter: "Wow... What's he doing?"
Mod: "Writing the next RTW, presumably – that's what I told him to do. I'll just go and check... Eyh! K, I told you to stay offline, dammit! Now, type!" *cracks a whip*
Kalah: "Waaah! I'm typing, I'm typing!"
Reporter: "Um... he doesn't have his... bat... around, does he?"
Mod: "No, we took that from him. It's locked in the cupboard."
Reporter: "Very reassuring."
Mod: "Now, here it is – 'The List'."
Reporter: "... of people allowed inside."
Mod: "Yes, there's Suleman, ByteBandit, the Equilibris team, the WoG team, and then there's the group of moderators. You can see some of them sitting by the fire over there – Gaidal Cain, Pol, Pitsu, Robenhagen, Kristo..."
Reporter: "How many?"
Mod: "Twelve mods, some more active than others, obviously."
Reporter: "And all told?"
Mod: "Let's see – all told there are... twenty-two people who have access to the Moderator Tower."
Reporter: "Um... was that my name I just saw vanishing from the sheet?"
Mod: "Yes, the access permit must have just expired. Time to go."
Reporter: "Thanks, I'll just mosey on, shall I..."
Mod: "I'd mosey a little faster, if I were you. The mods just caught a whiff of you, and I believe Kalah just broke into the cupboard..."
Reporter: "Bye." *runs for it*
Mods: "He's getting away! Get 'iim! Hahaaaarrr...!"
Edition #20: Stefan.Urlus & Mytical.
Anchor: "Our guest this week is Stefan.Urlus, a busy aussie who likes tennis, boating and being watched by giddy kangaroos while floating around in his pool."
Stefan: "G'day."
Anchor: "Oh, no, you didn't."
Stefan: "Schure I *hic* did."
Anchor: "Shudduup."
Stefan: "You schudduup."
Anchor: "In case any of you *hic* are wondering why we carry on like this, it's because Stefan brought with him a great deal of Syrah, and because of certain customs regulations he couldn't bring it with him and we had to *hic* get rid of it. Not wanting to pour it all out, we opted to pour most of it down *hup* instead – excuse me."
Stefan: "The reschult being that we're both scheriouschly pisched."
Anchor: "I hope *hic* you had a pleasant flight?"
Stefan: "Very nithe – a bit long, schome schixteen hours. But the view wasch grrreat."
Anchor: "So you left yesterday and spent all day on the road?"
Stefan: "Naah, I had to leave early for the airport, scho technically (can I have schmore wine, pleathe) I've been traveling for two daysch."
Anchor: "But you *hic* flew westwards so that means you left... tomorrow?"
Stefan: "Um...
Anchor: "Anyway, so *hic* Stefan, what was it you came here to talk about?"
Stefan: "I thought you called me."
Anchor: "Did I? Can't remember... *hic* oh, well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good trip back."
Stefan: "Schure."
Anchor: "Schtefan.Urlus, everybody – applausce! *falls off the chair*
Studio Commentary: "We're very sorry for this unscheduled pause in transmission. As our interviewer is currently in no condition to continue, we'll send this recording instead."
Anchor: "In today's interview, we have brought in a member who entered the Campfire and actually contributed with something other than talk about the weather – Mytical, welcome."
Mytical: "Hiya."
Anchor: "So, one of the first things you did when you got here was open up a new RPG game in the Campfire... What dirty deeds did you have to perform to get the game nazi to agree to that?"
Mytical: "Well, if you must know, I took his pants off and...
Anchor: "Whoa!"
Mytical: "... helped him get a wine stain out..."
Anchor: "Ah."
Mytical: "Why, what'd you think I did?"
Anchor: "Never mind. Just my sordid imagination playing tricks on me."
Mytical: "Actually, I think he allowed it because I'm an order freak."
Anchor: "Oh, really?"
Mytical: "Oh, yes – I opened up a signup thread first, closed that down when the game was ready, opened up a seperate thread for comments and questions not related to the story line itself..."
Anchor: "In other words, you appeal to his 'nazi' self?"
Mytical: "Maybe."
Anchor: "So, what's the game about, then?"
Mytical: It's called 'Twilight of Peace: A time of War', and..."
Anchor: "Yawn! Bored already. Tell me about the other stuff."
Mytical: "Other stuff?"
Anchor: "Yeah, you're posting stuff like a crazy person; what about that dimensions crap?"
Mytical: "You mean ' Lady Mystical's tales of the Dimensions'?"
Anchor: "Sounds about right."
Mytical: "Well, they're simply stories told by Mystical Stormcrow, a 650 year old half-elf. I post one a week and..."
Anchor: "Trying to rival the Summoner's RTW, are we?"
Mytical: "The what?"
Anchor: "Head shot. He won't like that."
Mytical: "Who? Summoner of wha..."
Anchor: "We'd better stop there, before somebody else realizes there are people who have never heard of the RTW out there. It's our network's biggest cash cow, you know..."
Mytical: "... all right... I guess."
Anchor: "Tell me about that cleavage."
Mytical: "Nice, ain't it?"
Anchor: "Yes, very nice – perhaps you noticed that pond of drool by the doorman as you came in... You say you live somewhere 'west of sanity' – does that mean you're insane?"
Mytical: "No, outsane, it's a little known condition."
Anchor: "And it means?"
Mytical: "That you get up every day, write lots and lots of things on the internet – regardless whether it makes any sense or not – and then..."
Anchor: "You mean like DaemianLucifer and ThunderTitan?"
Mytical: "No, they really are insane."
Anchor: "I see. How about some tea?"
Mytical: "Got some biscuits?"
Anchor: "Of course."
Mytical: "Then yes."
Anchor: "Here's a straw."
Mytical: "A u-tube, how nice."
Anchor: "Don't say that, you'll kill the server of those poor guys selling pipes. Last question: your Random Thoughts topic – it's just there for anyone who thinks of something they can't keep to themselves, is it?"
Mytical: "Yes."
Anchor: "Kinda makes all other threads obsolete, doesn't it..."
Mytical: "Uh-huh."
Anchor: "How long, do you think, before the admins find this out and decide to either shut the thread down or to shut everything else down?"
Mytical: "Well, I have a friend who did the maths for me, and he says... well, right about now, actually."
*beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*
Studio Commentary: "In this edition, we have brought in a guy called Fabrice. Apparently he's got something to do with video games. When our producer heard this, he nervously asked: "Fabrice who?" and when he got the answer he ran to his office and committed suicide, apparently having forgotten that he had the authority to stop the interview altogether. Seeing as he is now dead, however, nobody does. So, it airs now. Those of the technicians who are afraid a certain company are gong to buy us out and close us down in response have resigned and left for a safer place (North Korea), the other one is hiding in the kitchen. Before launching this interview, applicants for the vacant position as producer here at RTN may file their résumés with our secretary in the lobby; the most important qualifications are an ability to read and write, hide large amounts of cash in very little time when stuff goes badly, and stand on one's head while farting the national anthem of Cameroon (don't ask me why). Here now, the interview."
Anchor: "Fabrice, welcome to our studio."
Fabrice: "Thenk you."
Anchor: "Tell us a bit about yourself."
Fabrice: "I am Fabrice Cambounet, I am the prodýseer of Hirós of Might and..."
Anchor: "We know who you are, tell us something we don't know. Like what it's like being a frog."
Fabrice: "Weel, it's... nice, em... tü be French, I..."
Anchor: "Eat frogs and snails for breakfast, do you?"
Fabrice: "Now, I think I need tü cleer up a few rumours – yes, I am French, and yes, I wear silk underweear, and no, I duu not eat frog legs för breakfast."
Anchor: "Let's talk about the game for a bit. You've got an expansion coming up; is it true that most of the work at your office is done by Oompa-Loompas and that this is the reason why dwarves now make a comeback?"
Fabrice: "No."
Anchor: "No, it's not true?"
Fabrice: "No, it's not why they make a cömeback."
Anchor: "But you have them employed?"
Fabrice: "Ouh, yes, they make an excellent cup of coffée."
Anchor: "And that's important, I gather?"
Fabrice: "Very important. It is, in fact, the reasón we bröke off with the StarForce peepöl."
Anchor: "Really? I thought it was public outcry... Tell me more."
Fabrice: "Weel, as you know, lots of fans wanted the StarForce gone, so we were looking för a reason to dump it – and then one öf them spilled ink in my coffée so we häd them firéd."
Anchor: "So what was all this about devices causing electric shock?"
Fabrice: "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."
Anchor: "If I let you smack me around a bit, will you give me a hint?"
Fabrice: "Sadly, no."
Anchor: "OK, let's talk some more about the expansion. What colour skin will the dwarves have; are they redskins, as some suggest, or pure-blood Goths from the heart of Scandinavia?"
Fabrice: "Weel, they are neither; not Goths, not Indians, just dwarves. We are not góing into race here."
Anchor: "No race, only different races?"
Fabrice: "Exactement."
Anchor: "But if there's no race, who will take the checkered rally flag?"
Fabrice: "The one who gets tü the bathrüm first."
Anchor: "I see. Now, this is getting a bit silly, isn't it... Why don't we talk about the Random Map Generator; what made you decide to put the RMG in the expansion? What the hell took you so long?"
Fabrice: "We had tü figúre out what RMG meant first."
Anchor: "Ah. And now that you have, can you tell us what it will do?"
Fabrice: "It will create maps randomly."
Anchor: "Wha... you mean, just... the player starts up his game and all of a sudden there will be lots of maps flooding his database?"
Fabrice: "Yes, and they will all be álmost the same."
Anchor: "... WHY?
Fabrice: "Oh, we don't deal with thöse kind of questións – we leave that up to the Marketing départment."
Anchor: "What about the editor then, do you like how that turned out?"
Fabrice: "Oh, yes, becáuse now we hardly have anything tü dü any more – the players modify and add to the game themselves and we can focus on making another cash co... I mean, great playing experience."
Anchor: "Now, of course, I could ask you some more trivial questions, like 'when is it going to be out', 'will the editor be updated' and 'what about limited editions', but instead – for no apparent reason – let's turn to how great a success Heroes V has been; you think the game has been successful?"
Fabrice: "Yes, a great success."
Anchor: "How much cash did it bring in?"
Fabrice: "We don't keep track of thöse figures. But I know it was a great súccess from the number öf emails I got the week aftér release."
Anchor: "How many?"
Fabrice: "Well... eight. But that's a lot för one topic."
Anchor: "How many of the eight were from your own employees?"
Fabrice: "Now, that's enough öf that, thenk you very much."
Anchor: "Seriously, though, the future of the franchise is at stake, isn't it – the level of success the expansion(s) have will have an impact on future games? Theoretically, if they don't sell very well at all, there might not be any more coming?"
Fabrice: "Riiiight...?"
Anchor: "Tell me, right now: Will you make a Heroes VI?"
Fabrice: "I have no idea."
Anchor: "Well, that's that out of the way then. Let's move on, where did you get those fabulous pastel trousers?"
Fabrice: "I thought you'd enjoy them – they just go so well with my skin tone, don't you think. And now that UbiSoft have issued a French dress code in the Nival offices as well I think we can all say that our culture is expanding into new corners of the industry."
Anchor: "The Russians will wear things like this, you mean?"
Fabrice: "Ouh, yes, the pirate shirts are back, you know. I think pink will look very nice in the office also."
Anchor: "How 'bout food?"
Fabrice: "Hm? Oh, yes, the lunches were a bit dull, so we spiced it up with garlic pies and some other tastynesses."
Anchor: "Um... 'tastynesses'? First time I've come across that word? Is it a word?"
Fabrice: "Is now."
Anchor: "So you are going to dress the Oompa-Loompas in pink pastel and pirate shirts?"
Fabrice: "No, they can't fit them. We'll have to dress up the other peepöl."
Anchor: "Like?"
Fabrice: "Weell, I heard from my bosses that they were buying this place so I suppose you could start shoppïng för somethïng new and excitíng."
Anchor: "Ah."
Fabrice: "Oui."
Anchor: "Velvet OK?"
Fabrice: "OK."
Anchor: "Right. Well, as you know, dear viewers, the freedom of the press has been guaranteed for some time in civilized countries, but as this station will be a part of France, I guess that's out the window. Now, I planned to stay here for some years yet, do a bit of one-on-one, maybe get my own show after a while, possibly leaving the podium for a position as producer or director later on, grooming a young, intelligent mind to take my place as investigative reporter... But now there's been a change of plans. I'm off to the canteen to gouge my eyes out with a big fork. Bye."
Studio Commentary: "Welcome to this special edition. Why is it so special? Because we are going to try something that has never been done before: getting an interview with somebody who does not only not wish to be interviewed, but can't be interviewed. Several, in fact. Now you're probably thinking: "What the hell?" and you have a point. This doesn't make much sense. That is exactly the reason why this edition will be special. We are going to interview... wait for it... the spambots!"
Reporter: "Yes, this is a bit of a challenge. Not only do most of the spambots not post here, many of them simply post and then leave for good. Those who do hang around for a bit are usually human-controlled, but we're calling them bots anyway. The challenge, in case you haven't caught on to that yet, is to get any of them to say anything other than the usual spam. I personally don't think this will work any better than flying the Alps in a plane with no windows, but our new producer thinks so and so here I go. Ah, there's one now!"
GetYoursUpNow: "Anna Kournikova want you! Bad! Click here now!"
Reporter: "Excuse me! I wonder if I might have a... nope, it's gone. Let's see, anybody else...? Ah, yes, that looks suspiciously like one over there. Hey, you there!"
Avtolot2006: "Visit this homepage for free offers on Bahamas beach and real estate! Don't think about it, just do it! You know yo want to!"
Reporter: "Hey! Can I just..."
Admin: "Bot banned, post deleted. –beep– "
Reporter: "Aw, crap. I told you guys this thing wouldn't work! Oh, I'll try a couple more. Let's try a different tactic."
BuyViagraNow: "If you wanna make her scream with plesure clicky here."
Reporter: "Hey, how can I get some of that?"
BuyViagraNow: "Just click it."
Reporter: "Why are you doing this? Is there some form of feeling of pleasure generated from posting ads in forums that are usually restricted from advertising? Or is there money involved?"
BuyViagraNow: "Just click it."
Reporter: "I... don't really want to."
BuyViagraNow: "Are you makin her scream."
Reporter: "Damn right. I bet I got a bigger **** than you."
BuyViagraNow: "No, you don't."
Reporter: "How do you know?"
BuyViagraNow: "Just click it."
Reporter: "Nah, I can see the admin coming this way so I'll just scurry on before he decides to use the Armageddon spell."
www.ringtones.la: "Trah, la, lalala – lalalaLA! Ding, ding, ding, ding, crazy froooog!"
Reporter: "AAAAH!"
Ñòðàõ0âùèê: "Yvonna Humpalot."
Reporter: "Say what!?
dfapoyrty567: "Free stock! There's still time! Don't miss out!"
Reporter: "Free stock of what? Enron? United Chicken-peelers Inc.?"
dfapoyrty567: "There's still time! Don't miss out!"
Reporter: "Heard you the first time. What would you say..."
Admin: "Diiie, spambot scum!! Rrghaaaaa!"
Reporter: "Do you mind? You're killing off all my interview objects."
Admin: "Relax, we're working on new measures to keep them all out. Then I won't have to. For now, though, it's the ol' flamethrower."
Reporter: "Sheesch, I'm gettin' outta here."
JsParadise: "Yeey, baby – come visit paradise. Click here."
Reporter: "Excuse me, I wonder if there's any chance I might get an interview?"
JsParadise: "Why don'tcha come by my dreamsexy site and do it there. Lots of other things to do too – to the sexy girls, and sexy boys..."
Reporter: "Whoa! Wrong bar, partner."
Admin: "Kiiiiill!"
Reporter: "Hey, Mr. Admin dude – I was wondering..."
Admin: "Y...e...e...e...s?"
Reporter: "Why are all these showing up in the Campfire, why not – like – the Heroes V forum?"
Admin: "We've got a special spam protective system on that one."
Reporter: "Really? Then why not use that in the Campfire as well?"
Admin: "Because the Campfire is nothing but spam. Nobody would be able to post."
Reporter: "Ah. Hey! Excuse me!"
Zerficher: "If you want to be BIG in showbusiness, click here!"
Reporter: "These are getting weirder and weirder..."
Poluroud20: "If you like regby like me, go to this site called advertiseontheinternet.com!"
Reporter: "Look – could you possibly be any louder? I don't they quite heard you in Brazil!"
Dfapoyrty567: "Click me! Click me! Click me! Click me! Click me!"
IncredibleIndia: "Holidays for free! Right here!"
Reporter: "Well, I'm sure you get the picture. Oh, techiiies! Told ya it wasn't possible. Five bucks!"
Studio Commentary: "That's it for this ever-so-special edition... Tune in again next time, when a Nival devloper tries to pick up chicks by saying: "Eyh, babe – am I glad to see you or did I just put a sword in my pocket?". "
Studio Commentary: "For this, our very special Christmas edition, we have brought in a very special guest, an employee from the makers of Heroes 5, Naïval."
Raphael: "Níval, actually."
Anchor: "Hey, with the spelling skills you guys have displayed thus far, you have no rights to object. Who are you again?"
Raphael: "Doesn't matter, obviously."
Anchor: "Nope. I'll call you Raffy."
Raphael: "OK. Before I continue, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you for an excellent show – we watch it all the time."
Anchor: "Uh-huh."
Raphael: "... and I've brought a little something with me, something the Nival staff made specially for you."
Anchor: "You mean a gift? I like gifts. What is it?"
Raphael: "Here you go."
Anchor: "Hm, exciting... uh... it's... well, the wrapping was quite nice, but there's nothing in this box – did somebody forget to put the present in, or something?"
Raphael: "Isn't it great?"
Anchor: "... what?"
Raphael: "Just look at it!"
Anchor: "The... box?"
Raphael: "Yeah! Can't you see? It's 3D, man!"
Anchor: "The gift is... a box?"
Raphael: "In 3D! Imagine if it wasn't. Isn't it a great thing?"
Anchor: "It's... a box."
Raphael: "It's 3D!"
Anchor: "How can you have a box that is not in 3D? I mean, the very definition of a box is..."
Raphael: "But what if you just got a piece of paper with a box drawn on it!"
Anchor: "Then I could at least use it for toilet paper. This reminds me – I was going to skip the hard questions today."
Raphael: "And now?"
Anchor: "No. Tell me, Raffy, – what's so great about Heroes 5?"
Raphael: "Well, we made it, for one thing."
Anchor: "Right. Anything else?"
Raphael: "Yes, as you know, it carries with it the legacy of the famous Heroes series, while at the same time bringing in a new dimension of gameplay with the extensive multiplayer feature..."
Anchor: "Which doesn't work."
Raphael: "It does now."
Anchor: "A'ight."
Raphael: "And then there's the raisin in the sausage; the game is made in full 3D, contrary to what has been done before – only 3D simulations which were only 2D in reality."
Anchor: "And now we are returning to something completely the same – what's so great about 3D, anyway?"
Raphael: "Well, it's 3D."
Anchor: "Yes, I see. But what's so great about it?"
Raphael: "... I'm not sure I follow."
Anchor: "Well, what was wrong with the games made before?"
Raphael: "Oh, nothing, it's just that the new game was made in 3D, which is better."
Anchor: "How?"
Raphael: "It allows for an increased realism. When you fight the beasts, it's like you're actually standing on the sidelines, commanding your army."
Anchor: "But doesn't this presuppose that the illusion is somewhat... realistic?"
Raphael: "Y...e...e...s...?"
Anchor: "Can you honestly say that this horse looks real?"
Raphael: "I think so."
Anchor: "What kind of horses do you have in Russa, anyway? I mean, the quality of the graphics is what you claim to be the very icing of the cake; the best thing about the new game and the thing that takes the series in a whole new direction. Can you honestly sit there and call this good!? I mean, look at it!"
Raphael: "What's wrong with it?"
Anchor: "For one thing, the horse looks like it's put together with Lego. Then there's the appalling in-game video sequences – man, this is 20th century stuff!"
Raphael: "I think it's quite good."
Anchor: "All right, come over here, let me show you something. This... is Isabel, from your game. OK? Now have a look at a female character from Final Fantasy X-2, released several years ago, back in 2003."
Raphael: "WAGGA-WAGGA!!"
Anchor: "That was my reaction also. Here we have an example of excellent graphics. This Yuna female in particular is the kind of girl you get a hard-on from just by glancing casually in her general direction. Why is it that you couldn't make graphics of this quality for Heroes 5?"
Raphael: "But FF X-2 is for Playstation."
Anchor: "Are you saying that if you had made Heroes 5 for PS2 the quality would have been like this? I would have gotten a hard-on from looking at Isabel?"
Raphael: "Well..."
Anchor: "And the video card you need in your PC to run this game of yours will cost more than a PS2 anyway. I have never in all my years of gaming seen a game with such outrageous cost/benefit ratio graphics wise. Tell me, honestly, does this game have any redeeming features at all?"
Raphael: "Well, like I said, it's 3D, and..."
Anchor: "To Hell with the 3D!!"
Raphael: "You mean, use it only for the Inferno town? That would never work."
Anchor: "I mean, what good is 3D if all it does is force you to swivel that freakin' camera around continuously just to make sure that glimmer underneath the tree is a gem casket and not just a reflection? What made you feel the fans so desperately wanted another set of controls to manage?"
Raphael: "I think..."
Anchor: "No, you don't. The 3D is superfluous, and the only thing that matters is if the game plays well."
Raphael: "But... it does, doesn't it?"
Anchor: "Er... yes, I suppose."
Raphael: "So... it's ok?"
Anchor: "I guess, but back on track... to the patches. They're huge. I mean, mindbogglingly huge. The sheer size of the patches – I mean, if you've downloaded them all you might as well have downloaded the whole game. And you have to have them all; the earlier versions of the game are just crappy. Yet you release it anyway and fix the problems later."
Raphael: "But it's like that in modern gaming industry."
Anchor: "Right, I just wanted to find something more to criticize you for."
Raphael: "Ah. How about the release party?"
Anchor: "Were you there?"
Raphael: "No, my mum wouldn't let me go."
Anchor: "Because she heard there would be strippers dressed up as succubi?"
Raphael: "No, 'cause I had to clean my room."
Anchor: "...riiiight... tell me, how much would one of those live succubus mistresses set me back?"
Raphael: "Let's just say there's a reason the game wasn't finished on budget."
Anchor: "And I assume also the reason why you couldn't get me a proper present."
Raphael: "... so you didn't like our box?"
Anchor: "Why, oh why, is it that when people bring me stuff they can never bring me some chocolate? Or cash! I'd take cash! Hell, I'd even take caviar – you guys are freakin' Russian!"
Raphael: "I think I have some old rubles here somewhere..."
Anchor: "Get that thing away from me! I'm a member of the independent institution that is the Press! I cannot be bribed! I am objective! I am untouchable! I am... actually very hungry. How 'bout some grub?"
Raphael: "I think our mess is still open. We have lobster."
Anchor: "Excellent."
Studio Commentary: "That's it, boys 'n girls! Happy New Year!"
Studio Commentary: "Today, we bring you a story of investigative journalism, as our reporter-in-the-field tried to find the true cause of the recent problems of Celestial Heavens."
Reporter: "Yes, most of you have probably noticed the server problems of late, giving you the message "This Account Has Exceeded Its CPU Quota" instead of the lovely header, the PotD and the news of the latest patches. This has happened before, and disables all Celestial traffic, in and out, making it impossible for anyone to even visit the site – but this time it seems the problem is greater than before. We begin our search for the cause of the problem with its first occurrences months ago. Mr. Admin, Sir, when did this first happen?"
Angelspit: "A quick search revealed we first experienced this back in April last year."
Reporter: "That long ago? And still it persist?"
Angelspit: "No, it's back, not still here."
Reporter: "What's going on?"
Angelspit: "At first we thought maybe it was ThunderTitan flooding the boards, but then we found out that the downtime has in fact caused him to go into withdrawals and he had to be committed to Wonderland for a week."
Reporter: "Right. Can you tell me... what did you do when it first happened?"
Angelspit: "First, we did a bit of fire fighting, just to cope. Removed some of the more CPU consuming features on the main site etc. Then we had one of our in-house wizards start doing some re-coding to make the scripts more efficient."
Reporter: "What did he do, exactly?"
Angelspit: "I think you'd better ask him about that."
Reporter: "Ah, yes, trade secrets, perhaps?"
Angelspit: "No, it's just that I didn't understand nuthin' of what he said."
Reporter: "Riiiight... Well, I'm pretty sure I can handle myself – so, Mr. Protecyon...
Protecyon: "I'm busy, whaddayawant!?"
Reporter: "I was just wondering about this CPU problem... now, when it first occurred..."
Protecyon: "I heard ya. The problems were first happening due to inefficient scripts and the increased traffic. Then the problem was compounded by us providing additional features, most notably the forums."
Reporter: "So why didn't you just make the scripts more efficient?"
Protecyon: "a'ight, wannabe. Lemme tell ya. The reason that the optimization would take so long is because the majority of the inefficiencies were due to the constant polling of the database. Every time a user refreshed a page, a complete reload of all the information is required from the database. This is unnecessary because some of the information may still be valid, and it is a waste of resources to request information that is still valid. Optimally what would happen is that only the information that has changed will be requested."
Reporter: "Well, I understood that much. So tell me about what you were doing to rectify the problem."
Protecyon: "Well, we did a lot of things. First, a little optimisation. Then we removed and changed some of the more CPU consuming features, then we did some major work on Behemoth's Lair and the other sites we were hosting – that had some really inefficient scripts running, and were more popular than anticipated. We also started working closer together with the host. That fixed the problems."
Reporter: "Then what happened?"
Protecyon: "Heroes 5 hit the shelves."
Reporter: "Ah."
Protecyon: "Within days our traffic doubled. At the most we had 12.000 hits a day and some 70 users online at once just in the forums."
Reporter: "Ye-haa. But the server held up nicely, didn't it? Why did the problems re-surface a few months later?"
Angelspit: "We found out that the Bastion site was on our server under the new WoG site and they had an awful page that required up to 30 seconds of CPU usage – the average for a typical CH page is about 0.2 seconds."
Reporter: "Which explains why it was fixed again soon after, right?"
Protecyon: "Yea, I fixed the damn thing. Now lemme get back to work."
Reporter: "Hang on, hang on... The thing returned a month later."
Angelspit: "That was just me making backups. A good idea, as we've seen in the official forums lately."
Reporter: "Yeah, but you know, the reason I'm doing this story is because it is happening again – I mean right now."
Angelspit: "Yeah."
Reporter: "I understand you got a note from the host early this year?"
Angelspit: "Yeah, here it is."
Reporter: "Well, let's see... months of research... system performance techniques... I/O tuning... changes to our servers... yada-yada-yada... decrease server load of between 100-300%! Sounds impressive. When are they putting this into effect?"
Angelspit: "They already have."
Reporter: "Yikes. So when are you changing hosts?"
BlueHost: "Hey! We'll have no talking about that around here!"
Reporter: "Why I'll talk about whatever I want! This is a free forum, a free world, and I'm a member of the world's free press and... YAOW!"
Kalah: "Hey, man, is that a cattle prod?"
BlueHost: "Yeah, it's great for pokin' the little pests... wanna try it out?"
Kalah: "Yeah, I've been thinking of upgrading from my cricket bat..."
Reporter: "YAOW! Stop that, will ya?"
BlueHost: "You gonna stop with the questions?"
Reporter: "I'll be very, very good."
BlueHost: "Good boy."
Reporter: "Kalah, now that I have you here..."
Kalah: "Bye."
Reporter: "Eh... erhm... ah, right, the Quota thing – Angelspit, could you tell me..."
Angelspit: "Look, I already told you all I know, now go away."
Reporter: "But will you consider changing... I mean, when does the deal with the current host expire?"
Angelspit: "Why?"
Reporter: "Well, I thought that I could ask you whether you'll be renewing..."
BlueHost: "Hey! Are you at it again!?"
Reporter: "YOWZA!"
BlueHost: "I told you not to talk about these things."
Reporter: "Okay, okay... just tell me, when can I ask about it?"
Angelspit: "Medio 2007."
Reporter: "Thanks. So, what happens now?"
Protecyon: "We'll keep working on it. We still have some more things to try."
Studio Commentary: "I guess that's all we'll get out of the host mob for now folks... YOW!! I mean... the nice host and scripting guys... ehrm. Next time, by request of another member, we're bringing the member interviews back – starting with ScarlettP. See you then."
