The Joke Thread

[Lady Farquad]

With all due respect...

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbra Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, to milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
Most cows are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Your cows demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks she's French, other times she's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.

MEXICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You do nothing with them.
Life sucks.
You drink tequila.
Life is good.
Viva México!

[ThunderTitan]

COMMUNIST
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

Actualy you wait 2 hours in line and then they announce that they're fresh out.

And it's even funnier if you know why that is.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

But only if you have the money.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
The formerly-known-as-the-KGB shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

Oh, and if you want to see something really funny, check out this move:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enron:_The ... n_the_Room
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/enron_t ... _the_room/

You'll also find out what was really behind the California electricity crisis. Supply and Demand my arse.

[asandir]

A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a pirate ship came over the horizon. The captain says, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt." So, he gets his red shirt and they victoriously battle the pirates. Several days later, they spot another pirate ship off the port bow. "Cabin boy," says the captain "get me my red shirt." They again battle the pirates and are victorious. Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asks, "Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?" The captain responds, "Well, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don't want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit." "I see," says the cabin boy. A few days later, they sight 20 pirate in the distance the captain yells out, "Cabin boy, get me my brown pants."

[DaemianLucifer]

I remember that one!Its great!But you shouldve extended it a bit in order to make it better.

[asandir]

I was taking a leaf out of your book

[Zombie_Inc]

More Cow jokes:

Yoda:
Two cows you have!

Third World Countries:
You don't have two cows.

Western Countries:
You don't want two cows.

US Army:
You have two cows. You're not asking, they're not telling.

Visual Art:
You have two cows. You put them in preservative, in glass cases. In London.

Postmodernism:
You have two cows, but only when you look at them.

Surrealism:
You have two giraffes.

Feminism:
You have two cows. You wouldn't dare calling them that.

Chauvinism:
You have two cows. You're married to one, and the other's her mother.

I like these jokes, they have an educational value. [/b]

[asandir]

HR Heaven and Hell

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director
was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven
where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though,
it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once
had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really
sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to,"
replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is
let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven,"
said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in
an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she
found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf
course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her
were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and
they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up
and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They
played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club
where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the
Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a
great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time
that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand
and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went
up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter
waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next
24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She
had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent
a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman
paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say
this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and
again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends
were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in
sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage
and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you,
today you're staff..."

[DaemianLucifer]

A man died,and he went to hell.When adjusting a bit to the transition,he starteg sobbing and crying:
- Oh,why wasnt I listening?Why wasnt I a good person?...
Another man aproached him and said:
- Oh come on,its not that bad here.Look,did you like smoking while you were alive?
- Yes I did.
- Well then,youll love mondays.Because on mondays here,we smoke the finest cigars and cigarettes all day long.And you dont have to vory about cancer and other such things,because youre already dead.Did you drink a lot?
- Of course,I was with a bottle even in bed.
- Then youll love tuesdays,because on tuesdays we drink and drink day and night untill we pass out.And you dont have to worry about hangovers and your liver because youre already dead.Did you love narcts?
- I did sniff coce from time to time.
- Excelent,because on wednsdays we do drugs whole day long.Sniffing,injecting,pills,smoking,any drug,and you dont have to worry about overdoze,because you are already dead.Tell me,where you gay?
- No,I am straight as an arrow.
- Uh!Then youll hate thursdays.

[asandir]

nice one DL

[Caradoc]

New element discovered:

Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take more than four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s Mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. When catalyzed with gold, Governmentium becomes Administratium – an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons, but twice as many morons.

[asandir]

that's just gold .... i will be sending that on Caradoc

[DaemianLucifer]

Thats rich!But what about buerocratium?

that's just gold .... i will be sending that on Caradoc

No,gold is Au,and it has just 118 regular neutrons

[asandir]

that's just terrible DL

[DaemianLucifer]

Prepare yourselves,cause this is a looooooooong one:

One day a priest wakes up and walks out of the church to stretch in the sun.Suddenly some bald jerk rides by on a bike and spits straight in front of the priests legs.The priest runs to catch him,but he quickly gets tired and the jerk rides away.

The next day the priest wakes up and walks out of the church to stretch in the sun.Suddenly the same bold jerk rides by on a bike and spits straight in front of the priests legs.The priest runs to catch him,but he quickly gets tired and the jerk rides away.So the priest decides to spend the remainder of the day running and getting into shape.

The next day priest wakes up and walks out of the church to stretch in the sun.Again the same bold jerk rides by on a bike and spits straight in front of the priests legs.The priest runs to catch him,so the jerk rides across the field,and the priest runs across the field,but quickly gets tired and the jerk rides away.So the remainder of the day priest spends running across the field and getting into shape.

The next day priest wakes up and walks out of the church to stretch in the sun.Again the same bold jerk rides by on a bike and spits straight in front of the priests legs.The priest runs to catch him,so the jerk rides across the field,and the priest runs across the field,the jerk rides up a small hill,and the priest runs up the small hill,but quickly gets tired and the jerk rides away.So the remainder of the day priest spends running across the field and up the small hill getting into shape.

The next day priest wakes up and walks out of the church to stretch in the sun.Again the same bold jerk rides by on a bike and spits straight in front of the priests legs.The priest runs to catch him,so the jerk rides across the field,and the priest runs across the field,the jerk rides up a small hill,and the priest runs up the small hill,the jerk rides donw that hill,and the priest runs down that hill,but quickly gets tired and the jerk rides away.So the remainder of the day priest spends running across the field,up the small hill and down the small hill getting into shape.

The next day priest wakes up and walks out of the church to stretch in the sun.Again the same bold jerk rides by on a bike and spits straight in front of the priests legs.The priest runs to catch him,so the jerk rides across the field,and the priest runs across the field,the jerk rides up a small hill,and the priest runs up the small hill,the jerk rides donw that hill,and the priest runs down that hill,the jerk rides across the bridge,and the priest runs across the bridge,but quickly gets tired and the jerk rides away.So the remainder of the day priest spends running across the field,up the small hill,down the small hill and across the bridge getting into shape.

The next day priest wakes up and walks out of the church to stretch in the sun.Again the same bold jerk rides by on a bike and spits straight in front of the priests legs.The priest runs to catch him,so the jerk rides across the field,and the priest runs across the field,the jerk rides up a small hill,and the priest runs up the small hill,the jerk rides donw that hill,and the priest runs down that hill,the jerk rides across the bridge,and the priest runs across the bridge,the jerk rides through the main street,and the priest runs through the main street,but quickly gets tired and the jerk rides away.So the remainder of the day priest spends running across the field,up the small hill,down the small hill,across the bridge and through the main street getting into shape.

The next day priest wakes up and walks out of the church to stretch in the sun.Again the same bold jerk rides by on a bike and spits straight in front of the priests legs.The priest runs to catch him,so the jerk rides across the field,and the priest runs across the field,the jerk rides up a small hill,and the priest runs up the small hill,the jerk rides donw that hill,and the priest runs down that hill,the jerk rides across the bridge,and the priest runs across the bridge,the jerk rides through the main street,and the priest runs through the main street,the jerk rides through the park,and the priest runs through the park,but quickly gets tired and the jerk rides away.So the remainder of the day priest spends running across the field,up the small hill,down the small hill,across the bridge,through the main street and through the park getting into shape.

The next day priest wakes up and walks out of the church to stretch in the sun.Again the same bold jerk rides by on a bike and spits straight in front of the priests legs.The priest runs to catch him,so the jerk rides across the field,and the priest runs across the field,the jerk rides up a small hill,and the priest runs up the small hill,the jerk rides donw that hill,and the priest runs down that hill,the jerk rides across the bridge,and the priest runs across the bridge,the jerk rides through the main street,and the priest runs through the main street,the jerk rides through the park,and the priest runs through the park,the jerk rides into the back alley,and the priest runs into the back alley,but quickly gets tired and the jerk rides away.So the remainder of the day priest spends running across the field,up the small hill,down the small hill,across the bridge,through the main street,through the park and into the back alley getting into shape.

The next day priest wakes up and walks out of the church to stretch in the sun.Again the same bold jerk rides by on a bike and spits straight in front of the priests legs.The priest runs to catch him,so the jerk rides across the field,and the priest runs across the field,the jerk rides up a small hill,and the priest runs up the small hill,the jerk rides donw that hill,and the priest runs down that hill,the jerk rides across the bridge,and the priest runs across the bridge,the jerk rides through the main street,and the priest runs through the main street,the jerk rides through the park,and the priest runs through the park,the jerk rides into the back alley,and the priest runs into the back alley,the jerk rides up the stairs,and the priest runs up the stairs,but quickly gets tired and the jerk rides away.So the remainder of the day priest spends running across the field,up the small hill,down the small hill,across the bridge,through the main street,through the park,into the back alley and up the stairs getting into shape.

The next day priest wakes up and walks out of the church to stretch in the sun.Again the same bold jerk rides by on a bike and spits straight in front of the priests legs.The priest runs to catch him,so the jerk rides across the field,and the priest runs across the field,the jerk rides up a small hill,and the priest runs up the small hill,the jerk rides donw that hill,and the priest runs down that hill,the jerk rides across the bridge,and the priest runs across the bridge,the jerk rides through the main street,and the priest runs through the main street,the jerk rides through the park,and the priest runs through the park,the jerk rides into the back alley,and the priest runs into the back alley,the jerk rides up the stairs,and the priest runs up the stairs,the jerk rides across the plateau,and the priest runs across the plateau,but quickly gets tired and the jerk rides away.So the remainder of the day priest spends running across the field,up the small hill,down the small hill,across the bridge,through the main street,through the park,into the back alley,up the stairs and across the plateau getting into shape.

The next day priest wakes up and walks out of the church to stretch in the sun.Again the same bold jerk rides by on a bike and spits straight in front of the priests legs.The priest runs to catch him,so the jerk rides across the field,and the priest runs across the field,the jerk rides up a small hill,and the priest runs up the small hill,the jerk rides donw that hill,and the priest runs down that hill,the jerk rides across the bridge,and the priest runs across the bridge,the jerk rides through the main street,and the priest runs through the main street,the jerk rides through the park,and the priest runs through the park,the jerk rides into the back alley,and the priest runs into the back alley,the jerk rides up the stairs,and the priest runs up the stairs,the jerk rides across the plateau,and the priest runs across the plateau,the jerk rides down the stairs,and the priest runs down the stairs,but quickly gets tired and the jerk rides away.So the remainder of the day priest spends running across the field,up the small hill,down the small hill,across the bridge,through the main street,through the park,into the back alley,up the stairs,across the plateau and down the stairs getting into shape.

The next day priest wakes up and walks out of the church to stretch in the sun.Again the same bold jerk rides by on a bike and spits straight in front of the priests legs.The priest runs to catch him,so the jerk rides across the field,and the priest runs across the field,the jerk rides up a small hill,and the priest runs up the small hill,the jerk rides donw that hill,and the priest runs down that hill,the jerk rides across the bridge,and the priest runs across the bridge,the jerk rides through the main street,and the priest runs through the main street,the jerk rides through the park,and the priest runs through the park,the jerk rides into the back alley,and the priest runs into the back alley,the jerk rides up the stairs,and the priest runs up the stairs,the jerk rides across the plateau,and the priest runs across the plateau,the jerk rides down the stairs,and the priest runs down the stairs,and the jerk suddenly losses control and falls of the bike.So the priest aproaches him and says:"For days now,every morning you ride by me and spit right in front of my legs and quickly ride away.Why are you doing that?";"Ok,preacher",says the jerk,"Ill tell you why.But you must promise me that you wont tell anyone the reason".The priest promises that he wont tell anyone the reason and,sure enough,the bald jerk tells him the secret.And the priest never told it to anyone.

[Zombie_Inc]

You truly are an evil bastard....

[ThunderTitan]

Thank the Lord for the "skip to the end" tehnique.

[DaemianLucifer]

Yeah,its much easier to read(and write)that one than to hear(tell)it

[Paulus1]

Girlfriend
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from GirlFriend version 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it is a memory hog which leaves very little system resources available for other applications.

He is now noticing that Wife 1.0 is spawning processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that it is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at boot where it can monitor all other system activity. The end user is constantly reminded of insufficient memory, lack of support files, and demands that the user only interface with other programs chosen by Wife 1.0. He's finding that some applications such as: PokerNight 10.3, Piss-Up 2.5, and PubNight 7.1 are no longer able to run at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). During installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the omission of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release.

Also, Wife 1.0 's performance seems to diminish with each passing day, allowing fewer sessions of data transfer, yet complaining about the lack there of.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

1. A "Don't remind me again" button.
2. Minimize button.
3. A Mute button for all audio capabilities.
4. An install shield that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources.
5. An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow unrestricted access to all I/O ports of the associated hardware.

I myself decided to avoid the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 at the same time as GirlFriend 1.0. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long-standing bug that I should have known about. Also, the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of any I/O ports. You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesnt work very well and leaves undesirable traces of the application in the system, which often conflict with any future installations of GF. Another problem is that versions of GirlFriend continually pop up annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

***** BUG WARNING *****

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug: If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. In addition, Wife 1.0 rarely does a full uninstall, instead converting to a highly annoying bug called XWife 1.0, continually demanding a portion of all available resources. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient system support.

***** BUG WORK-AROUNDS *****

To avoid this bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Always scan your hard drive after interfacing with Mistress 1.x for any traces of data transfer, prior to accessing Wife 1.x. Also, beware of similar shareware applications such as have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the Viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the Net.

[DaemianLucifer]

I have made myself a nice little mod that allows multiple gidlfriend versions to run at the same time.Though I wont upgrade to wife until I find a way to apply this mod there as well.Maybe a harem 73.8 program might work here

[asandir]

excellent paulus, just excellent

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.