it's getting very close!!!!10)When you get up in the morning you go online even before you make yourself coffee.
The Joke Thread
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DaemianLucifer
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ThunderTitan
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RL is the best joke ever. Too funny to have happened by accident. Beat that atheist scum."I'll pick out two outfits, one which is disgusting and one nice and I'll ask my 'friend' what they think. If they go for the revolting one, I cut them out of my life."
- Paris Hilton on how she weeds out her friends
Last edited by ThunderTitan on 24 Aug 2006, 16:28, edited 1 time in total.
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti
Alt-0128: €
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti
Alt-0128: €
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theLuckyDragon
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Two ants were counting one ball... and the final result was decimal.
This "
" kind of humour always makes me laugh.
Here's another one:
This "
" kind of humour always makes me laugh.Here's another one:
A crocodile was knitting mineral water on a bench beneath a watermelon-tree. Suddenly, a flock of cows flies by and asks: "What time is it?" The crocodile looks at the sundial and says: "Thursday." The moral of the story is: don't throw bricks in the window, because it's not your bike.
"Not all those who wander are lost." -- JRRT
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DaemianLucifer
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Wow!Ive never heard such an extended version of that one.A crocodile was knitting mineral water on a bench beneath a watermelon-tree. Suddenly, a flock of cows flies by and asks: "What time is it?" The crocodile looks at the sundial and says: "Thursday." The moral of the story is: don't throw bricks in the window, because it's not your bike.
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theLuckyDragon
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DaemianLucifer
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One night George Bush awakens from a fitful sleep to find himself visited by the ghost of George Washington. Dubya begs of Washington's spirit, "Tell me: As president, what's the best thing I can do for my country?"
"That's easy," replies Washington's Ghost. "Set an honest and honorable example, just like I did." And with that he was gone.
On the next night George Bush awakens from a fitful sleep to find himself visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. Dubya begs of Jefferson's spirit, "Tell me: As president, what's the best thing I can do for my country?"
"That's easy," replies Jefferson's Ghost. "Cut taxes and streamline the federal government, just like I did." And with that he was gone.
On the third night George Bush awakens from a fitful sleep to find himself visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Dubya begs of Lincoln's spirit, "Tell me: As president, what's the best thing I can do for my country?"
"That's easy, replies Lincoln's Ghost. "Go see a play."
"That's easy," replies Washington's Ghost. "Set an honest and honorable example, just like I did." And with that he was gone.
On the next night George Bush awakens from a fitful sleep to find himself visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. Dubya begs of Jefferson's spirit, "Tell me: As president, what's the best thing I can do for my country?"
"That's easy," replies Jefferson's Ghost. "Cut taxes and streamline the federal government, just like I did." And with that he was gone.
On the third night George Bush awakens from a fitful sleep to find himself visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Dubya begs of Lincoln's spirit, "Tell me: As president, what's the best thing I can do for my country?"
"That's easy, replies Lincoln's Ghost. "Go see a play."
Before you criticize someone, first walk a mile in their shoes. If they get mad, you'll be a mile away. And you'll have their shoes.
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ThunderTitan
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Ceausescu, Reagan and Khrushchev were on a plane talking. After a while Reagan puts his right hand out of the plane door and remarks:
- We're over the US right now.
- How do you know that, the other 2 ask.
- Simple, i felt the Statue of Liberty when i put my hand out.
Some time later Khrushchev puts his right hand out.
- Ah, we're over Mother Russia right now.
- How do you know, ask the other two.
- I felt the cold air of the Red Square, of course.
Some more time later Ceausescu puts his left hand out then back in again.
- We're over my country now.
- How do you know.
- Well, i used to have a watch on my hand.
- We're over the US right now.
- How do you know that, the other 2 ask.
- Simple, i felt the Statue of Liberty when i put my hand out.
Some time later Khrushchev puts his right hand out.
- Ah, we're over Mother Russia right now.
- How do you know, ask the other two.
- I felt the cold air of the Red Square, of course.
Some more time later Ceausescu puts his left hand out then back in again.
- We're over my country now.
- How do you know.
- Well, i used to have a watch on my hand.
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti
Alt-0128: €
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti
Alt-0128: €
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DaemianLucifer
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ThunderTitan
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The first people that came to Transilvania we're hungarian nobles. Upon encountering a small spring they stopped and unmounted to take a drink. After they sated their thirst they discovered that their horses were gone, and instead all that was left was a note saying: - "Multam' fain"! (thank you with an accent). Conclusion: Romanians were always present in Transilvania. Oh, and they steal stuff.DaemianLucifer wrote:@TT
It really is hard to say which of our countries is "greater" in stealing
So we have a greater history of it.
Last edited by ThunderTitan on 24 Aug 2006, 21:49, edited 1 time in total.
Disclaimer: May contain sarcasm!
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti
Alt-0128: €
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life. - ???
"With ABC deleting dynamite gags from cartoons, do you find that your children are using explosives less frequently?" — Mark LoPresti
Alt-0128: €
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theLuckyDragon
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DaemianLucifer
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A young monk arrives at the monastery.He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices,however,that all of the monks are copying from copies,not from the original manuscript.So,the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy,it would never be picked up!In fact,that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk,says:"We have been copying from the copies for centuries,but you make a good point,my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasnt been opened for hundreds of years.Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So,the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing:"We missed the "R"!We missed the "R"!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.The young monk asks the old abbot:"What's wrong,father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies:"The word was...CELEB R ATE!!!"
He notices,however,that all of the monks are copying from copies,not from the original manuscript.So,the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy,it would never be picked up!In fact,that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk,says:"We have been copying from the copies for centuries,but you make a good point,my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasnt been opened for hundreds of years.Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So,the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing:"We missed the "R"!We missed the "R"!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.The young monk asks the old abbot:"What's wrong,father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies:"The word was...CELEB R ATE!!!"
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Lady Farquad
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DaemianLucifer
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A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.Ahead of him is a guy whos dressed in sunglasses,a loud shirt,leather jacket,and jeans.Saint Peter addresses this guy:"Who are you,so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"The guy replies, "Im Joe Cohen,taxi driver,of Noo Yawk City."St. Peter consults his list,smiles and says to the taxi driver:"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff,and its the minister's turn.He stands erect and booms out:"I am Joseph Snow,pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years."St Peter consults his list and says to the minister:"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute",says the minister."That man was a taxi driver,and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results",says Saint Peter."While you preached,people slept;while he drove,people prayed."
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)
In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone".
It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
"Up here, we work by results",says Saint Peter."While you preached,people slept;while he drove,people prayed."
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)
In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone".
It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
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