The Joke Thread

[Veldrynus]

3=4
Proof:

Suppose:
a + b = c

This can also be written as:
4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c

After reorganizing:
4a + 4b - 4c = 3a + 3b - 3c

Take the constants out of the brackets:
4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)

Remove the same term left and right:
4 = 3

Too bad you already defined a+b-c as zero, so your last step doesn't work.

I was wondering who will post the "solution" first.

[Asheera]

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!

Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.

Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?"

To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"

____________________

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned."

Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

____________________

A police officer stops someone for speeding and asks him very nicely for his license.

He replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

[Borsuc]

that math problem, that's a classic, there are a lot more elaborate "proofs" for other contradictions, but I'm afraid this isn't the thread for that.

[ThunderTitan]

3=4
Proof:

Suppose:
a + b = c

This can also be written as:
4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c

After reorganizing:
4a + 4b - 4c = 3a + 3b - 3c

Take the constants out of the brackets:
4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)

Remove the same term left and right:
4 = 3

Too bad you already defined a+b-c as zero, so your last step doesn't work.

I was wondering who will post the "solution" first.

What, she only divided by zero...




But this one is better:

infinity = infinity+1 = infinity + 2...

thus 0=1=2...

[Asheera]

LOL @ that pic

[Asheera]

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why!

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words:

Psycho-
the-
rapist.

[ThunderTitan]

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work

[Avonu]

Old but still funny (and true):

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet about the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[Asheera]

Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was *not* changing his mind.

Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there *is* a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there *is* a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Secondly, you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows Vista.

[Asheera]

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.

Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

[Pol]

Dear Tech Support Team:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,

"A Troubled User"



REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.

It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this.

I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.

I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.

Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend gifts 2.1, Trips 1.0 and Jewellery 5.0 STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support ...
_________________
Victory shall come to the worthy. Today, democracy, liberty, and equality are words to fool the people. No nation can progress with such ideas. They stand in the way of action. Therefore, we frankly abolish them.
--
I suppose it is broken of course but things are fine as they are for now. No sense in disturbing the equilibrium.
--
You come to the automatic Rejection Hall. Please raise your question.

[Asheera]

LOL Pol, nice one

[Asheera]

One Day Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were driving along in their car when Trouble suddenly hurled himself out of the window.

Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do so they went to the police station. When they got there the chief asked them their names.

"Shut Up", replied Shut Up.

"Stupid", replied Stupid.

The police chief thought these people were telling him to shut up, and were calling him stupid. Which made him very mad. "Excuse Me!" shouted the chief.

Thinking the chief was hard of hearing, They once again shouted their names.

"Shut Up!"

"Stupid!"

The police chief was very riled. He then asked "Are you looking for trouble?"!!!

Stunned at the idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for their friend, they replied,"Why yes, how did you know?"

[Asheera]

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

[Kalah]

A man sat in a restaurant and saw a very attractive, young and stylish woman sit down a couple of tables away. He waved at the waiter and pointed to the most expensive bottle of wine on the wine list, and told him to bring the lady one of those.

The waiter fetched the bottle and brought it to the lady, who left the wine unopened on the table. Instead of opening it, she wrote a note to the waiter, who brought it over to him. The note said:

"If I am to accept this bottle from you, you have to have a Mercedes in the garage, 10 million in the bank and eight inches in your pants."

The man wrote a reply and the waiter brought it over to the lady, who read:

"Madam, in my garage I have a Ferrari 599, a Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder and a Mercedes SLK, I have 90 million in the bank... but I'll be damned if I'm going to cut off five inches of my willie for someone like you!"

[ThunderTitan]

This is the ultimate joke: http://flyingmoose.org/tolksarc/homework.htm

Because some idiots actually interviewed Cate Blanchett using info from it...

[Borsuc]

OMG that's funny but too many words for my joke taste

[Lord Lakely]

A religious joke.


When Jesus Christ did His round in Heaven that afternoon he met an old man. The main was crying.

Jesus: Hail, old man. What troubles thee?
Old Man (unhappily): I have lost my son?
Jesus: Thy son?
Old Man: Yes, I'm a carpenter, and I've lost my son. (cries)
Jesus: Carpenter...? Lost Son...? My Goodness, couldn't thy be??
Old Man: No, it cannot be...
Jesus: FATHER!
Old Man: PINOCCHIO!!

[ThunderTitan]

OMG that's funny but too many words for my joke taste

There's a link to the article in question there...

and iot goes like this: For the uninitiated, Galadriel is the good sister of the evil but beautiful Queen Beruthiel, who imprisons the Fellowship of the Ring in the forest of Lothlorien. In the book, Galadriel frees them from her sister's clutches.

[Kalah]

Definite proof that you can't use the Internet as single source for your info