The Joke Thread

[Akul]

Few Jugoslavian jokes just for you! (WARNInG!!! many gramatical mistakes may be encounter)
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George Bush, pope Benedikt VI and Ivo Sanader (Croatian prime minister) come to the God.
George asks:
"When will USA get rid of criminals?"
"For 100 years."
Geroge starts crying.
"Why do you cry?"
"I won't live to see that."

Benedikt asks:
"When will money lose all value?"
"After 333 years."
Benedikt IV starts crying.
"Why do you cry?"
"I want live to see that."

Finally, Sanader comes to God and asks:
"When will Croatia join the EU?"
God starts crying.
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Croatian and Serb met and decide to make a peace. They hug and kiss one another on forehead (by some horible tradition).
Croatian says:
"F**k the goverment!"
Serb replies: "Which goverment?1 F*c* Vjesnik* "

*vjesnik - newspapers
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A Croatain, Serb and slovenian (those guys with 2m of country) fly on an airoplain. Airoplain starts falling down and only those three and two parachutes (did I spell it right?).
Slovenian: "Nooo!!! Please save me! We slovenians are intelligent people but there are so little of us!"
Croatian: "Here take it! Take the parachute!"
Serb (after the Slovenian jumped): "How will we now save ourselves?"
Croatian: I didn't give him a parachute. I gave him my lunch bag. He is smart so he'll think of something before he falls.

[Akul]

Sometimes I am Bush. Proof:


More about Bush:


And here are the actors for my newest movie:

[ThunderTitan]

Now now, we all know Saddam is actualy Gollum, and whats-his-face in Iran is Frodo, or was it Elrond?

[ThunderTitan]

First of all many apologies to all of you that have dial-up.

WoW ruins lives:



FOR THE HORDE!

[Akul]

Now now, we all know Saddam is actualy Gollum, and whats-his-face in Iran is Frodo, or was it Elrond?

Well, this is not like LoTR. In, LoTO Frodo kills Bilbo and takes his ring and runs into a forrest where he evolves into a Golum, a horrible creature. Gandalf then finds him and tells him that he kmust assasinate Saruon, the Lord of Oil. However, he'll first need to defeat Demian Lucifer, a demon created of oil in Iraq by Saruman.

Believe me, this is gona be a hit.

[ThunderTitan]

I was thinking of it being more like RL, with Gollum/Saddam being captured by Sauron's forces. Then he can escape and lead Gandalf's fellowship (you know who they are) to Mordor. In the end he'll betray them for the Oil, but end up dead along with Sauron (Bush Sr.). Then Saruman goes and takes over the Shire (Iraq).

[DaemianLucifer]

Well, this is not like LoTR. In, LoTO Frodo kills Bilbo and takes his ring and runs into a forrest where he evolves into a Golum, a horrible creature. Gandalf then finds him and tells him that he kmust assasinate Saruon, the Lord of Oil. However, he'll first need to defeat Demian Lucifer, a demon created of oil in Iraq by Saruman.

Believe me, this is gona be a hit.

Oil?!Please,thats just one small part of my master plan of corruption

[Vlad976]

Two hunters decide to go moose hunting in Canada. They hire an airplane to drop them off in a remote region. The pilot drops them off and tells them: "I'll be back in one week. No more than one moose - got it?"

One week passes, and the pilot returns. The hunters have two moose. The pilot says: "Hey, I told you guys no more than one moose." One of the hunters replies: "Look the pilot told us the same thing last year and we gave him a *big* tip to take both moose out." The three of them argue for several minutes more. The pilot gives up and agrees to take both moose. Well, they load up the moose and fire up the plane.

The plane shudders and strains trying to take off. It finally gets the wheels off the ground 5 feet, 10 feet.... Whoops! It runs out of runway and smashes into a tree. The two hunters, dazed and confused make there way out of the wreckage. One hunter looks at the other and says: "Where the Hell are we?" The other looks around and replies: "About 100 yards further than we got last year!"

[DaemianLucifer]

Answers from the kindergarden:


Q:What do you dream of?
A:I once dreamt I was big and fat,and when I woke up,my mother beat me and said:"This isnt grampas bed sheet in which you can pee whenever yuo want"

Q:Whats character?
A:Its a sport.My brother has a blue belt in character

Q:Whats freedom?
A:Freedom is when I ask my mother if I can have some chocolate and she says fell free to take it from the fridge.

Q:Wheres america?
A:Thats a place where cowboys and indians used to live,but they killed each other,so only actors live there now.

[Vlad976]

Belligerent Panda

A Panda Bear walks into a café and orders a sandwich and a drink. After he is finished eating, the waiter comes over to bring him the check. When the waiter arrives at the table, he just starts to ask 'Would you like any des...' Then the Panda Bear reaches into his fur, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. The Panda Bear then wipes off his chin with his napkin, gets up, and starts to walk out. Just as he is about to go through the door, the manager grabs him. 'Wait a minute!' he yells, 'You just killed my best waiter! Besides that, you didn't even pay for your sandwich!'

The Panda Bear grasps the manager by the throat, jacks him up, and growls, 'Hey man! I'm a PANDA! Do you know what that means? Why don't you look it up!'

At this the Panda walks out the door and ambles down the street. The manager, shaken, returns to his office and consults a dictionary. He reads:

Panda - a large mammal of the Asian mountain forests related to raccoons and true bears and characterized by bold black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.

[ThunderTitan]

A fighter:"It's all about the glory, the smell of fear on my enemies faces, the sweet sound of my andamatium blade on the mithril brestplate of my victim and the supernatural joy of surviving another day..."

A Mage:"He..he...what a mess!!!"

[Vlad976]

A Mage:"He..he...what a mess!!!"

That's no Mage, that's Duke Nukem.
================
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."

[DaemianLucifer]

A guy walks into the doctors office with a knife in his back
- Help mee...
- Sorry,my work time is over.Come back tomorrow.
- But,Im dying...I have a k..k..nife in my back.
The doctor pulls the knife out,sticks it into the guys eye and says:
- Go to the eye doctor,he works the whole night.

[ThunderTitan]

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's unit. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

[Vlad976]

Overtime

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

[Caradoc]

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer comes up with a suggestion, 'Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?'

[DaemianLucifer]

Q: What does a blonde do when she wakes up?
A: She dresses up,says her name and goes home.

Q: How does bill gates unscrew a light bulb?
A: He grabs it and waits for the world to revolve around him.

[coup de grace]

Three people are competing for the World record of coldest pee in the world. The contestants are 1 american man, 1 japanese man , and 1 indian woman. The challenge began and the american wants to go first. The american urinated on a pond and an icberg appeared on the pond. The crowd cheered the american for such a cold pee. Then its the Japanese man's turn to pee, the Japanese man rode a plane and sky dive then while skydiving he urinated while on the sky and it started to rain snow. The crowd cheered louder. Then it's the Indian woman's time to pee. The Indian woman urinated on the ground... nothing happened for several minutes the crowd got angry and started throwing stuff at the Indian woman but the ground started rumbling and the ground was split into two and an opening has formed and into the opening satan came out from hell freezing and said so "coooold".

[Vlad976]

Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

[Vlad976]

I Want to Buy That

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"