The Joke Thread

[Milla aka. the Slayer]

Priceless!

[Asheera]

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.

Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.

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An angry husband complains to his wife: "I'm gonna fire my driver! He almost killed me three times this week!". The wife calmly responds: "Don't be so tough with him dear, give him another chance to do it."

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Blonde jokes

What have a blonde driver and a peach in common?
They're both gathered from the trees.

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Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."

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Cop jokes

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

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COP: "When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."
LADY: "You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."

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A policeman stops a man that was driving way above the speed limit.
COP: "Slow down there, do you want to end up in the hospital?"
MAN: "Yes."
COP: "Great, are you a smartass?"
MAN: "No, I'm a doctor!"

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How many cop jokes are there? Just two, all the rest are true!

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Prison vs Work

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8 X 10 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6 X 8 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they only ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to wait in line and share the toilet.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and then inside bars.

[Borsuc]

What's faster, light or sound?
Well, the sound obviously, since when I turn on my TV, first I hear the sound, then I see the image...

----

Why does the first elephant fall from the tree?
Because he's dead.

Why does the second elephant fall from the tree?
Because he was tied to the first one.

Why does the third elephant fall from the tree?
Because he thought it was some kind of game.

----

A kid comes home complaining to his dad: "Daddy, the kids have been calling me a mobster at school!"
Dad: "Don't worry, I'll handle this tomorrow"
Kid: "Sure daddy, but be sure to make it look like an accident..."

----

The French, the Englishman and the Hungarian are traveling on the same airplane.

-"Oh, it's Paris" says the French.
-"How do you know?" ask the other two.
-"I put out my hand and touched the Eiffel tower".

Some time later the Englishman says:
-"Oh, it's London".
-"How do you know?" ask the other two.
-"I put out my hand and touched the Big Ben's tower".

Some more time later the Hungarian says:
-"It must be Budapest". [the Hungarian capitol]
-"How do you know?" ask the other two
-"I put out my hand for a few seconds and someone stole my watch".

(there is a similar romanian version too )

[Kalah]

Check out Jim Carrey in his girlfriend's swimsuit

[Kalah]

The PM: "Who's he talking to, the Russians?"
Humphrey: "No, the French, actually. That's much worse."
The PM: "Why?"
Bernard: "The Russians already know what we're doing."

[ThunderTitan]

Check out Jim Carrey in his girlfriend's swimsuit

Borat did it... and it was way more disturbing.

[Milla aka. the Slayer]

Eeew don't mention that. It still scares the crap out of me *shiver*

[Asheera]

I know this is old and common but still:

Two hunters were going for a hunt when one of them suddenly faints. The other calls 911 for help.
Operator: "Hello, what is your problem?"
Hunter: "My buddy just dropped to the ground. I think he's dead. What shall I do?"
Operator: "Slow down there... first make sure that he really is dead."
There's a 2 second silence and then a gunshot is heard.
Hunter: "Now what else?"

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A merciful woman tells a blind beggar: "Ok, but last week you were deaf and dumb!"
Beggar: "So you see how fast some get from a tragedy to another..."

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A teacher asks a kid: "2 + 2 = ?".
Kid: "22!"

[Pol]

ok I will give to the good one old repost

Life is funny
(reprinted from http://thehindimusic.com/fun/life-is-funny/)

1. Food has replaced sex in my life … now I can’t even get into my own pants!
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood-alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion … suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess?? on it … so I said, “Implants???
5. I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
6. I got a sweater for Christmas … I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
7. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
8. I don’t approve of political jokes … I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
9. The most precious thing we have is life … Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
10. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
11. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
13. I married my wife for her looks … but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
14. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
15. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
16. How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?
17. Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
18. Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
19. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
20. The differences between snowmen and snow-women are snowballs.
21. Marriage is a wonderful institution, and it’s just right for people who like to live in institutions.

A Few Extras…..
Q: What Is The Similarity Between Girl And a cup of Tea?
A: Both Are Hot, Have Milk And Are Needed When Rising.
Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life ****s, job ****s and the wife doesn’t.
Q: What is a gynaecolgist?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place, where most people find pleasure.

[Asheera]

I don’t approve of political jokes … I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

[Asheera]

Johnson, a model-employee, that always arrives first at work, once came an hour late of schedule. His glasses were broken and his face scratched.
Boss: "What happened to you?"
Johnson: "I fell down the stairs!"
Boss: "And this took you an hour?!"

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Guy 1: "Why did you leave your job?"
Guy 2: "My boss told me something I didn't like."
Guy 1: "And what's that?"
Guy 2: "You're fired!"

[Pol]

[q=" "]Johnson, a model-employee, that always arrives first at work, once came an hour late of schedule. His glasses were broken and his face scratched.
Boss: "What happened to you?"
Johnson: "I fell down the stairs!"
Boss: "And this took you an hour?!"

--------------------

Guy 1: "Why did you leave your job?"
Guy 2: "My boss told me something I didn't like."
Guy 1: "And what's that?"
Guy 2: "You're fired!"[/q]

Again repost, in this time from mageo.cz, one of his numerous threads, in this case under baton of Surikatka.

Too funny!


Really?


I would eat you whole.


Finally, earring is sticked and holds!


Golden Street in Prague - which never looks like that nowadays.

[Pol]

http://laurengary.deviantart.com/journal/10224536/
~~by Laurengary


~~~~~~

FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE A LITTLE TOO SERIOUSLY............



1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.

2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.

3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.

4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.

5. 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.

6. 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.

7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.

9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST.

11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.

12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.

13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.

14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.

15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.

16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.

17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.

18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!

19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.

20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!

21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.


22. OKAY, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?

23. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?

24. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL,

YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.

25. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.

26. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.

27. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.

28. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?

29. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.

30. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?

31. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED?

32. JUST REMEMBER - IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF.

33. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.

34. LIFE IS AN ENDLESS STRUGGLE FULL OF FRUSTRATIONS AND CHALLANGES, BUT EVENTUALLY YOU FIND A HAIRSTYLE YOU LIKE.

35. HIGH EXPLOSIVES ARE APPLICABLE WHERE TRUTH AND LOGIC FAIL.

36. LAST NIGHT AS I LAY IN BED LOOKING AT THE STARS I THOUGHT " WHERE THE HELL IS THE CEILING ? "

37. IF THINE ENEMY OFFEND THEE, GIVE HIS CHILD A DRUM.

38. BEER : HELPING WHITE GUYS DANCE SINCE 1862

39. JESUS SAVES ! BY USING DOUBLE COUPONS AND SHOPPING WISELY.

40. THERAPY HELPS, BUT SCREAMING OBSCENITIES IS CHEAPER.

41. VUJA DE - THE FEELING YOU"VE NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE

42. DEJAJA VUE - " HAVE WE MET, MS GABOR ? "

43. DIJON VU - "THIS MUSTARD TASTES FAMILIAR "

44. DAYSA VU - " THIS IS THE SAME STOREYLINE THEY DID ON THAT OTHER SOAP OPERA "

45. DEJA MOO - " I SWEAR THAT'S THE EXACT SAME COW WE PASSED ABOUT 5 MILES AGO "

*************************************************************

[Pol]

[Asheera]

Best ones for me:

10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST.

16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.

24. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL,

YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.

26. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.

27. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.

33. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.

[Borsuc]

33. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.

Sound travels faster than light, since when I turn on my TV, first I hear the sound, then I see the image

[Pol]

33. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.

Sound travels faster than light, since when I turn on my TV, first I hear the sound, then I see the image

I remember that, is list back from you.

..enjoyed mostly these:

1,9, 16, 18,
19, 21!, 22,
26, 27, 30!,
31!, 32, 36,
& DEJA VU.

So, peeking at it once again, I like them pretty all. Moreless.

[Kalah]

Here's an oldie, but a goodie:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were hiking in the woods.

Holmes: "Look up at the stars, Watson. What conclusion do you reach from what you see?"
Watson: "Well, Taurus is ascendant with the Big Dipper, so I guess we're getting a mild winter."
Holmes: "Fine, fine... but the first conclusion should be that someone has stolen our tent."

[Pol]

Yeah, yeah Kalah. I could foreseen that.

[ThunderTitan]

Holmes wouldn't be sleeping... he'd be too hopped up on crack for that... (and not anything else, as he disdains ppl that are Chasing the Dragon as lazy bums).