Wash: "Everything looks good from here... (beat...playing with plastic dinosaurs over his console) Yes. Yes, this is a fertile land, and we will thrive."
(as Stegosaurus) "We will rule over all this land, and we will call it... 'This Land'."
(as T-Rex) "I think we should call it...your grave!"
(Stegosaurus) "Ah, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"
(T-Rex) "Ha ha HA! Mine is an evil laugh...now die!"
Jayne: "Ten percent of nuthin' is...let me do the math here...nuthin' into nuthin'...carry the nuthin'..."
Mal: "Well they tell you: never hit a man with a closed fist. But it is, on occasion, hilarious."
Jayne: "Do you know what the chain of command is here? It's the chain I go get and beat you with to show you who's in command."
Zoe: "Proximity alert. Must be coming up on something."
Wash: "Oh my god. What could it be? We're all doomed! Who's flying this thing!? Oh right, that would be me. Back to work."
Kaylee: "Looks like they've jerry-rigged it with a pressure catch. It's the only thing that'd work with all these spare parts. We could probably bypass that easy, we get to the DC line."
Mal: "You tell me right now, little Kaylee, you really think you can do this?"
Kaylee: "Sure. Yeah. I think so. 'Sides, if I mess up, not like you'll be able to yell at me."
Zoe: "Planet's coming up a mite fast."
Wash: "That's just 'cause I'm going down too quick. Likely crash and kill us all."
Mal: "Well, that happens, let me know."
Kaylee: "Is that him?"
Mal: "That's the buffet table."
Kaylee: "How can we be sure... unless we ask it...?
Mal: "Sure. It would be humiliating. Having to lie there while the better man refuses to spill your blood. Mercy is the mark of a great man. (lightly stabs Atherton with the sword) Guess I'm just a good man. (stabs him again) Well, I'm all right."
Harrow: "You didn't have to wound the man."
Mal: "Yeah, I know, it was just funny."
Mal: "In case you hadn't noticed, her voice kinda carries. We're two miles above ground and the cattle can probably hear her down there. Soon as we unload, she can holler until our ears bleed." (to River) "Although I would take it as a kindness if she didn't."
River: "The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems."
Mal: (to Simon) "See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with, long as she does it quiet-like."
Mal: "Now think real hard. You been bird-dogging this township a while now. They wouldn't mind a corpse of you. Now you can luxuriate in a nice jail cell, but if your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet: I will end you."
Inara: "So, explain to me again why Zoe wasn't in the dress?"
Mal: "Tactics, woman! Needed her in the back. 'Sides, them soft cotton dresses feel kind of nice. There's a whole airflow."
Inara: "And you would know that because...?"
Mal: "You can't open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman, I'm a mystery."
Inara: "Best keep it that way. I withdraw the question."
Book: "If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater."
(a while later...)
Book: "Kissing? Well, isn't that... special."
Book: "What are we up to, sweetheart?"
River: "Fixing your Bible."
Book: "I, um...what?"
River: "Bible's broken. Contradictions, false logistics - doesn't make sense." (she's marked up the bible, crossed out passages)
Book: "No, no. You - you can't...
River: "So we'll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God's creation of Eden. Eleven inherent metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven. Important number. Prime number. One goes into the house of eleven eleven times, but always comes out one. Noah's ark is a problem."
Book: "Really?"
River: "We'll have to call it early quantum state phenomenon. Only way to fit 5000 species of mammal on the same boat." (rips out page)
Mal: "Okay, um, I'm lost. Uh, I'm angry... and I'm armed, so if you two have something that you need to work out --"
Wash: "I mean, I'm the one she swore to love, honor and obey."
Mal: "Listen..." (beat) "She swore to obey?"
Wash: "Well, no, not... But that's just my point! You she obeys! She obeys you! There's obeying going on right under my nose!"
Zoe: "Preacher, don't the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killing?
Book: "Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps."
Inara: "Right. You're a criminal mastermind. What was the last cargo we snuck past the Alliance to transport?"
Mal: "We made a perfectly good piece-"
Inara: "What was the cargo?"
Mal: "They were dolls."
Inara: "They were little geisha dolls with big heads that wobbled!"
Mal: "Hey, people love those!"
Simon: "I'm trying to think of a way for you to be cruder. It's just... not... coming."
Zoe: "No one's gonna force you to go, Jayne. As has been stated -- this job's strictly speculative."
Jayne: "Good. 'Cause I don't know these folks, don't much care to."
Mal: "They're whores."
Jayne: "I'm in."
Wash: "Little River just gets more colorful by the moment. What'll she do next?"
Zoe: "Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair. It's a toss-up."
Wash: "I hope she does the soup thing. It's always a hoot, and we don't all die from it."
What do you think 
"Not being David Attenborough, that was all I could say."
