The Joke Thread

[Ethric]

You're such a dog

[Kalah]

[ThunderTitan]

"such a canine" is more classy.

[Veldrynus]

That's a comet on the picture, damnit!

@Letty

Nice. I've told you, I like your spirit, haven't I?

[Caradoc]

Because St. Peter was on a break, Jesus had to receive an old man at the pearly gates and upon seeing him, Jesus asks, "What is your name?"

"I'm so old, I don't remember"

"So, where are you from?"

"I'm sorry, but I don't remember that either"

“I’m sorry, too, but I need some information so that I make look up your name in the Book of Life."

"Well, all I remember is that I was a carpenter, and that I had a son who became incredibly famous throughout the land, so that even today his story is still being told to millions." Jesus looked closely at him and then whispered, "Father?"

And the old man responded tears in his eyes, "Pinocchio?"

[ScarlettP]

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, 'Where are you going?'

He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.' She says, 'Why, are you sick?'

He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, 'Where the hell are you going'?

She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'

He says, 'Why, what do you need?'

She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot.'

[ScarlettP]

Survey: 9 out of 10 men said they prefer big boobs.
The 10th man said he preferred the other 9 men.

------------------------

[winterfate]

That was low!

[Kalah]

Got this from Smith&Jones. Let's see if I can quote it just about right

Smith: "So, I was asked to be a donor."
Jones: "Yeah?"
Smith: "Yeah, you know, like donating my manhood. Some genetics. Genetic material."
Jones: "Right, right."
Smith: "There was this pretty lady at work, right. Couldn't get it goin' with her husband, right. You know, infertile, or some'in."
Jones: "Right, right."
Smith: "So I was, you know, since I've got three kids I was politely asked to, you know, step up, and er I did, right."
Jones: "Right."
Smith: "And we did it everywhere. Right? Every day, too. In the bath, in the kitchen, living room, her place, my place, outdoors, indoors, right."
Jones: "Right, right."
Smith: "All kinds of different positions, right. Day out and day in, just like wild animals, really, right."
Jones: "Right."
Smith: "And we kept doin' it, right, 'cause she wanted it to happen and we kept goin', we've been doin' it all the time, right."
Jones: "Right, for how long?"
Smith: "About.. six months now, I think."
Jones: "Right."
Smith: "Yeah."
Jones: "Right... so you didn't tell 'er about the vasectomy, then?"
Smith: "Didn't see the point, really, no."

[winterfate]

[ScarlettP]

As I have been AWOL ... I'll give you guys a mulit part set of jokes:

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"



Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.




Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"



Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"



Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."



Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[Ethric]

Heard some before, but good none the less

[ScarlettP]

Engineer jokes are not quite as popular as lawyer jokes... but there are quite a few of them.

[TheUndeadKing]

Survey: 9 out of 10 men said they prefer big boobs.
The 10th man said he preferred the other 9 men.

------------------------

I know, it's a joke and all, but being a straight male myself, I honestly think those boobs are too big and too ugly, it's not even funny!

[TheUndeadKing]

Here's a new joke:

[Sir William S Titan]

I know, it's a joke and all, but being a straight male myself, I honestly think those boobs are too big and too ugly, it's not even funny!

I do too. I don't really like large ones. Although, there is a point that they are too small too.

[ScarlettP]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a year or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 60 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are SO much better at estate planning than men.

[asandir]

This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad?, What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?" To which the father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars." So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!" So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so f*#%ing fine, of course I would!" Then last but no least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?" So he goes up to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically" "Well what's the difference?" says the father. "Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 sluts and a fag!"

[Kalah]

Ka-ching!

[ScarlettP]

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Cell phones with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites including You Tube.



Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin.. Counseled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.



Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mother has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.



Scenario: Mark, a high school senior, brings cigarettes to school.

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal outside in the smoking area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.



Scenario: Vinh fails high school English.

1960 - Vinh goes to Remedial English, passes and goes to college.

2007 - Vinh's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Vinh gets his diploma but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1960 - Ants die.

2007 - Homeland Security is called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.



Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay